Are you yelling at your kids all the time? It is easy to do when you are a parent. One minute you are fine, and the next minute you’re so angry you could snatch your kid bald-headed! Ha!
Many times, it is that one little thing at the end of the day that sets you off. Before you know it, even the dog is running for cover.
As moms, we are constantly pulled at all ends. We are overwhelmed and angry because we are expected to juggle everything and then act like we are not frazzled when posting on Instagram.
But is it working?
If you are yelling at your kids, check out what it is doing to them. More importantly, learn how to stop yelling at your kids and be a calm parent.
What Is Yelling? When Is It Okay?
Webster defines yelling as crying out in a loud, clear sound or shout.
Yelling or screaming should be saved for times of emergency. If your child is about to touch the stove, walk out in the street, or do some other harmful behavior, then it is okay.
Yelling on a daily basis is not good behavior management. If you overuse your loud voice it loses its potency and becomes ineffective. In fact, it starts to have a negative outcome.
Can Yelling at a Child be Harmful?
You may be thinking, Okay, Really? Can yelling at a child cause trauma? But down deep, I think most of us know screaming and yelling are wrong.
The psychological effects of yelling at a child can be devastating. The words we spew on to our kids drop like poison in the air and contaminate their hearts.
The worst feeling is when you know you have gone too far. You can see it in their eyes. And you hear it in their cries.
Regret sets in. You realize you have broken that sacred trust as a protector. Now you have become the verbal abuser you swore you would never be.
We have probably all lost it once or twice as moms. But when you are yelling at your kids daily, that becomes a different story.
Many of you may not even know you are yelling at your kids. It is important to start watching yourself so you can stop. What you don’t realize is that you could be making things worse when you raise your voice.
RELATED: I highly recommend listening to the Crazy Cool Family podcast to help you parent in a more healthy way.
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What are the Effects of Yelling at Your Child?
There are at least 6 long-term effects of yelling at a child. Your child may not have all six, but even one side effect of yelling is too much. Check them out and see if this is happening in your home.
Yelling will cause your child to want to withdraw. Hide. Runaway. Anything to get away from you and your verbal attacks. Not only that but many times yelling causes kids to feel scared. Is this really how you want your kids to feel when they are around you?
Kids who are yelled at often develop a deep sense of hate and do not even know it. Yelling is nothing more than verbal and emotional abuse. Sadly, the hatred may stay with your child for years and cause problems in other relationships as an adult.
When you yell at your kids, they feel powerless. There is nothing they can do but sit there and take it. Many times, shame sets in if the same words are repeated over and over again causing a deep sense of being out of control.
Kids tend to lie sometimes. If you start yelling at your kids, there is more of a chance they will say anything to keep the peace. They would rather take their chance on a lie than hear you screaming.
It is easy to develop a habit of lying when you live with a person who yells.
5. Generational stronghold
When you yell at your kids, they tend to scream back at you when older. You have personally taught them to deal with their problems in this way. This pattern gets carried over to the next generation and sometimes with an increased aggression.
Yelling at your child can cause anxiety. When your child does not have a safe space at home, they feel scared and insecure. There is no place to calm down from the “fight or flight” mode, relax, and process what happened.
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
If you want to know how to quit yelling at your kids, check out these 7 tips. They will help you calm down and take a minute to think before you explode in an abusive way.
Pause. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself down before you say anything. Count to ten in your head to get your mind off the situation. If you can’t talk in a calm voice, then practice self-control and close your mouth until you can behave appropriately.
2. Step Outside Yourself
Pretend like a videotape is recording you. Would you be embarrassed if you played it back and watched yourself yelling at your kids? Or if others watched you? In fact, someone is watching you. Your kids and God.
Listen to your child explain the situation. This will give you more time to calm down and think. You don’t want to overreact because you didn’t know all the details. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I am not a big yeller, but I like to get in my words…in lecture form.
4. Measure Your Words
Carefully speak your words in a way that is neutral instead of yelling at your kids. State the facts and calmly give the consequences. Try to keep your emotions out of it. Make sure your child knows you love him with not only your words but your tone of voice.
5. Step Away For a Minute
If you can’t control yourself, excuse yourself for a couple of minutes until you can calm down. Go to your room and think about what just happened. Start again at step one and breathe. Repeat the process until you have control over yourself.
6. Pray For God to Help You
Go before God and confess your impatience, anger, and frustration to Him. Ask Him to give you a heart for your children that is loving, kind, and slow to anger.
Write down scriptures on notecards that are pertinent to your anger. Put in a place you will see every day. Renew your thinking with the truth. Remind yourself daily that God loves your kids, and He can help you raise them in a home that is full of love and peace.
7. Get Help
If you continue yelling at your kids, you need help. Most likely, you are being triggered by something in your past. Find a counselor. There are very few times when you truly need to raise your voice at your kids. Your kids deserve a parent who is in control.
Instead of yelling, catch your kids doing good things. Praise those behaviors over and over. This is a tactic I use in the classroom, and it works beautifully every single day at home too.
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Is Yelling Effective?
Yelling at your kids is not effective. As a society, we have bought into the lie that yelling is okay because it gets results. You may get compliance short-term, but long term there is damage to the relationship.
Years and years of yelling rot the foundation for a friendship when your child is an adult.
You can parent your child using logical and appropriate consequences without ever raising your voice. You are the parent. Act like one. Be reasonable and fair, but enforce your family rules calmly.
How do you fix a relationship with a child after yelling? Check out this article on Three Important Steps to Take After Yelling at Your Kids. It is great advice on how to make amends for your behavior.
Are you yelling at your kids all the time? What do you do to stop?
Got Family Problems? There is Help and Hope!
Are you experiencing family problems or even estranged? Are you feeling shame, anger, or rejection? Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart on Amazon or at your favorite digital store.
This book talks about my seven-year estrangement from my Christian family and also gives solid tips to help you with your own family problems. Break free from your pain. Allow God to heal you no matter what has happened in your family of origin. There is hope when your family falls apart.
Creating Family Memories Book
Get Creating Family Memories. This book will help you manage your family in a way that allows more time to be intentional with your kids. It includes a schedule too. You can get it at your favorite bookstore.
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Continue the conversation on Facebook and join the group Christian Family Living. This is a place for Christian women to freely talk about parenting, marriage, faith, family, and culture. Being a Christian is hard! Let’s do it together. Most of all, a sense of humor is required. Got memes? Bring it on!
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