Who Am I Now?
It happened all at once. I drove my last child to University and dropped her off. Great experience, really. I couldn’t ask for a better place to nurture and groom my daughter into becoming an amazing woman someday.
We were able to move her in, set up her room, and do all the things parents do. Then the dreaded time came, and we left. On the way home I cried. And then I got home and cried some more. Who am I now that the children are gone?
The Clean Out
I finally got a hold of myself and decided to clean out her room. It was awful. I have waited with bated breath to get in there and organize. It has been a point of contention since she was maybe 6. All of those years I have wanted to scrub, disinfect, organize, purge and rearrange; it was finally time.
All of that tension, frustration, and grief rolled into one came out last week in her room. I made bags for giveaways, piles for resale, and moved furniture around so it actually looked like a room.
I even slid under the bed to look for her retainer. I came out with a few chips stuck to my head, but it was worth the sacrifice to see the floor. Still no retainer, but it is clean. It took about 7 hours. No kidding!
The Perfect Room
The room is beautiful now, but what I didn’t realize is that it no longer has any personality. All this time I have nagged her to clean her room, and then this happens. I think she would gleefully jump up and down to know I am sad it is clean.
It is a boring, sterile room with no messy child. In fact, I have 2 really clean rooms now where both of my very messy kids once resided.
All the Memories
What I didn’t realize is what happened in those rooms. Both of my kids wrote essays, they did homework, dressed up for dances, changed into various sports uniforms, laughed, and cried in these rooms.
Acne, broken arms, torn ligaments, crutches, awards, good grades, bad grades; all of that happened in their rooms. So many things happened, and now it’s quiet. Deathly quiet.
A part of me is lost. What do I do now? It’s not like everything revolved around them, but the best parts of my life are my family. I adore my husband, and it is great having him. But I am out of a full-time job. I have been fired. Who am I?
Why Ihttps://grownandflown.com/empty-nest-kids-leave-me-behind/ Created a Blog
This blog is a journey about identity as a mother, wife, and a woman. Apparently, I am not the only mother who feels this way. There are many moms who go on this journey. You will get to experience Act II, first hand. I am reinventing a strong woman who’s excited and scared to find out what other skills I can glean as I am only 49.
It’s a look back at what happened in the past, and a look forward to new things in the future. Hopefully, you will laugh and cry with me. For those of you rolling your eyes about now, I do have other jobs. I’m not just a mother.
I am a substitute teacher, and I do collections for my husband’s business. I actually taught English and Speech/Drama for several years. That was 25 years ago, so I’ve lost some of my writing skills.
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