22 Shares

How do you know if someone is simply difficult or if you are dealing with toxic family members?

Every family has conflict. People get frustrated, say things they regret, and sometimes behave selfishly. That doesn’t automatically make someone toxic.

But there is an important difference between a difficult person and someone whose repeated behavior is harmful, controlling, manipulative, or emotionally unsafe.

Understanding the difference can help you respond with wisdom, set healthy boundaries, and know when a relationship needs more distance.

1. Severity of the Behavior

Difficult people can be frustrating, stubborn, selfish, or hard to communicate with. But their behavior isn’t necessarily destructive.

Toxic family members consistently engage in harmful behaviors such as manipulation, intimidation, excessive criticism, control, or emotional abuse.

The key is to look at the overall pattern—not one difficult conversation.

2. Intentions

A difficult person may not realize how their behavior affects you. They may be insensitive, selfish, or simply unaware.

Toxic family members often attempt to control or manipulate another person. This may include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, blaming, or using your weaknesses against you.

We can’t always know another person’s motives, so focus on what you can observe: What are they doing, and what happens when you try to address it?

3. Impact

Difficult people can leave you feeling annoyed, frustrated, or exhausted.

Toxic family members have a much deeper impact. You may consistently leave interactions feeling confused, crazy, anxious, worthless, controlled, emotionally drained, or chaotic.

When a relationship repeatedly leaves you feeling diminished or unsafe, don’t ignore the pattern.

4. Patterns

Everyone has bad days.

A difficult person may behave poorly in certain situations, but the behavior isn’t necessarily constant.

Toxic behavior tends to repeat and become predictable. The same criticism, manipulation, control, or boundary violations happen again and again.

One bad interaction doesn’t make someone toxic. A persistent pattern is much more significant.

5. Willingness to Change

One of the biggest differences between difficult and toxic people is how they respond when you address the problem.

A difficult person may eventually listen, apologize, take responsibility, or try to change.

Toxic family members deny the problem, blame you, become defensive, or refuse to take responsibility.

Pay attention to what happens after you communicate your concerns.

6. Possibility of Change

Difficult relationships can often improve through honest communication, forgiveness, healthy boundaries, and a willingness to change.

But you cannot make another person change.

If a family member refuses to acknowledge harmful behavior, you may need to change your response and level of access instead of continuing to try to change them.

The fact is…you can’t change them, so stop trying.

Sometimes that means limiting conversations, sharing less personal information, shortening visits, or taking a break.

7. Emotional Safety

A difficult relationship may be uncomfortable.

Toxic family members can make you feel afraid, intimidated, controlled, or constantly on edge.

If someone repeatedly threatens, humiliates, manipulates, or verbally abuses you, take those behaviors seriously.

Your goal isn’t to win an argument. Your goal is to respond in a healthy and God-honoring way.

Dealing with marriage or family issues? Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or buy Marriage Interrupted or Estranged at your favorite digital store.

How to Deal With Toxic Family Members

So what do you do when you’re dealing with toxic family members?

Start with healthy boundaries.

A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else. It’s about deciding what YOU will and will not participate in and what you will do when a boundary is crossed.

For example, you can say:

“I’m not willing to discuss that.”
“If you continue yelling, I’m going to end this conversation.”
“We can talk when we’re both calm.”
“I won’t allow you to speak to me that way.”

Healthy boundaries require consistency. If someone repeatedly ignores your boundary, you may need to limit your contact or remove yourself from the situation.

And remember: You can avoid an estrangement and still love someone without giving them unlimited access to you.

What About Control in Family Relationships?

Control is often at the heart of unhealthy family relationships.

Parents may try to control their adult children’s decisions about marriage, parenting, finances, careers, friendships, education, health, or where they live.

But adult children are adults.

We can offer advice when asked and express concern without forcing obedience or using power plays to gain control.

Controlled love is not love.

Truthfully, these behaviors stem from not trusting God or believing He is good. You can trust Him instead of running to unhealthy behaviors to meet your needs.

James 4:1–10 reminds us to examine the desires and conflicts within our own hearts. Before asking God to change someone else, we should ask, “Lord, is there anything in me that needs to change?”

Get your FREE “DO NOT FEAR” SCRIPTURE CARDS PDF to help you believe the truth about God.

What Does the Bible Say About Difficult People?

God calls Christians to respond with humility, patience, gentleness, kindness, and love.

Ephesians 4:2 tells us to be “completely humble and gentle” and to be patient with one another in love.

That doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or allowing someone to repeatedly violate your boundaries.

However, you can:

forgive someone and still have boundaries.
love someone and limit their access to you.
pray for someone without pretending everything is okay.

And sometimes the person God wants to change first is us.

Ask the Holy Spirit to show you where you may be contributing to the conflict. We cannot control other people, but we can surrender our own words, attitudes, and responses to God.

Final Thoughts On Dealing with Toxic Family Members

Not every difficult person is a toxic family member. Be careful about labeling people too quickly.

Instead, look at the pattern, impact, willingness to change, and emotional safety within the relationship.

If you’re dealing with toxic family members, you don’t have to respond with anger or revenge.

Set healthy boundaries. Speak the truth in love. Pray. Forgive. Seek wise counsel. And trust God with the person you cannot change.

God is not asking you to control them. He’s asking you to trust Him.

Difficult people vs. toxic—what’s the difference? Both types of people are difficult, but a toxic person has a destructive element that a difficult person does not have.

Unfortunately, this generation is ready to eliminate anyone who smells remotely close to toxic, even when they are not. So, before you pull out the relationship hatchet and remove everyone from your life, understand what you are doing.

You may be making a grave mistake.

Removing yourself from a relationship just because it takes work is not enough of a reason to walk away. Conversely, is not okay to continue to use these unhealthy coping mechanisms to get your needs met.

How do you deal with toxic family members? Comment below!

Check out this two-part series on difficult and toxic relationships. The video is called Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships. Here is part one:

Check out part two, Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships. Gary Thomas is fantastic at defining the difference between toxic and difficult people.

Pin it for later!

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)

Are You Struggling to Have a Healthy Marriage? Do You Want to Change Your Spouse?

Get Marriage Interrupted: How to Deal with Unexpected Conflict as a Couple and Stay in Love on Amazon or any digital platform. This book offers humorous, impactful insights for anyone experiencing marriage conflict.

Included is biblical advice to help couples develop new behaviors and strengthen their marriage with healthy boundaries. With over 30 years of marriage experience, this book offers practical tips to overcome old behavior patterns and rekindle a marriage rooted in God’s love.

Got Family Problems? There is Help and Hope!

Are you struggling with family issues that have resulted in a family rift or a family estrangement? Are you feeling a sense of shame, anger, or rejection? Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart on Amazon or at your favorite digital store.

In it, I share my own experience of a seven-year estrangement from my Christian family and how we eventually reconciled. I also offer practical advice to help you navigate family issues. Don’t let the pain of estrangement hold you back. Allow God to help you heal, no matter what has happened in your family. Remember, hope is always there, even when things seem to be falling apart.

Creating Family Memories Book

Get Creating Family Memories. This book will help you manage your family so you have more time to be intentional with your kids. It includes a schedule, too. You can get it at your favorite digital bookstore.

Join the group Christian Family Living on Facebook

Continue the conversation on Facebook and join the Christian Family Living group. This is a place for Christian women to freely talk about parenting, marriage, faith, family, and culture. Being a Christian is hard! Let’s do it together. Most of all, you need a sense of humor. Got memes? Bring it on!