If you are a nice person and follow the Bible, it is hard to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser. In fact, saying “no” and setting boundaries may seem selfish. Assertiveness may even feel rude, harsh, or unchristian to you.
Furthermore, if you have been a people-pleaser for a while, you may be the emotional caretaker of everyone around you and not even know it.
Perhaps the thought of emotionally detaching from your loved ones invokes guilt. Or even panic. “How will they survive?” How will I survive?
While this is not a pass to stop serving, it is meant to give pause and examine your motives for serving others.
In this post, I will discuss how to stop being a people-pleaser. As harmless as it seems, there are real consequences for not setting healthy boundaries with family and friends.
Not setting appropriate boundaries can lead to projecting a false self, enabling or controlling others, or being controlled by others by suppressing your thoughts and feelings.
What Is the Definition of a People Pleaser?
So, what is a people-pleaser? A people-pleaser strongly desires approval, even if it means conforming to other people’s opinions and expectations.
Subconsciously, you want to be loved more than stand up for what you think or feel. You struggle to set boundaries and say “no” because you fear rejection, punishment, or withdrawal of love.
Psychologically, you may have been wired long ago to please everyone to keep the peace in your home as a child. Perhaps you equated approval and validation with your own survival.
That may have worked as a child, but now that you are an adult, it is time to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser. Instead of serving in love, you may be using people-pleasing to get love and approval from others, avoid conflict/punishment, and perhaps enable or control others with your services.
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The Danger of Being a People Pleaser As a Christian
People pleasing can sometimes get all mixed up with faith. Many Christians have been taught to obey without question or to always help others, even at the expense of their mental well-being or health.
Internally, we can become conflicted because we know we are called to serve others, but sometimes we do it with impure motives and do not even know it. Instead of serving out of love, we may do it for other reasons. (We’ll talk about that in a minute.)
We may blindly try to please others without consulting God and checking our hearts. (Running interference can keep others from running to God.)
It feels good to be the savior, but then we replace The Savior.
Jesus Was Not a People-Pleaser
If you want to know how to stop being a people-pleaser, we must look to the real Savior, Jesus, for the example. He was definitely not a people-pleaser! He called the “authority of the day,” the Pharisees, blind guides, vipers, fools, and white-washed tombs. Haha!
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying you need to call people names, but I am saying that Jesus set boundaries with everyone, even those in authority with terrible motives.
As Christians, we must learn how to serve others out of love (not people-pleasing motives) and set healthy boundaries simultaneously, always listening to the Holy Spirit’s promptings to be inconvenienced.
This delicate balance takes practice as a Christian.
Now that you know there can be impure motives when we serve let’s see if you are a people-pleaser and why.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 says,”…there is a time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak” (NLT).
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Signs of a People Pleaser
The danger of being a people-pleaser is not knowing if you are one. If you want to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser, take this quiz to help you decide whether you have a people-pleaser personality.
It might be worth changing your behavior if you say “yes” to most of these things.
1. Are you angry or resentful for being pushed into something you don’t want to do?
2. Would you rather be “nice” than say how you really feel?
3. Do you find needy people are attracted to you?
4. Do you go to extremes to keep the peace and avoid conflict?
5. Are you prone to saying “yes” without thinking first?
6. Do you neglect your needs over the needs of others?
7. Do you appear wishy-washy because you fear expressing your true feelings?
8. Are you angry at yourself when you don’t speak up?
9. Do you feel embarrassed after you do speak up (appropriately), wishing you never said anything (shame)?
10. Are you scared people won’t like you if you say how you really feel?
11. Are you angry when others dominate or punish you for speaking up?
12. Do you keep your feelings hidden for a long time and then explode?
13. Do you find people flattering you so that you will say “yes”?
14. Are you constantly apologizing?
15. Are you protecting/enabling others from the consequences they need to feel?
Did you say “yes” to any of the questions in the people-pleaser quiz? Then, keep reading to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser (but still be loving).
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What Causes People Pleasing?
The root of being a people pleaser often stems from a combination of psychological, social, and emotional factors. While individual experiences can vary, here are some common underlying factors that contribute to people-pleasing behavior:
1. Low self-esteem
People-pleasers often have low self-esteem and may seek validation and approval from others to boost their self-worth. They enjoy being wanted and needed.
Instead of believing who they are in Christ, they thrive on other’s praise to help them feel okay about themselves.
Don’t get me wrong, praise feels nice, but it shouldn’t be the source of our worth.
2. Fear of rejection or punishment
People-pleasers fear being rejected or abandoned, which can drive them to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own needs.
They feel it is easier to just say “yes” and please another person than be punished for non-compliance. When weighing the options, most people feel that withdrawal, rejection, or punishment are worse than the actual task.
While they feel resentment to please others, they continue to do it.
3. Avoid conflict
People pleasers often avoid confrontation and conflict, fearing that asserting their needs and boundaries might lead to disagreement or tension. Many times, this stems from learned behavior as a child.
As a child, people-pleasing may have been a tactic for survival, so as an adult, it almost feels life-threatening to deal with conflict and have an opinion that differs from those from whom they seek approval.
Frankly, those who are programmed from an early age to be people-pleasers will do anything to avoid the chaos they remember from childhood.
4. Lack of boundaries
People pleasers have difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries. Perhaps it didn’t go well when they tried to set boundaries, or they never learned how to do it, or it was not perceived as “Christian.”
This often happens in authoritarian households.
As an adult, setting boundaries feels foreign, uncomfortable, and embarrassing, as one does not know what to say, how to navigate the conflict, or how to deal with rejection or punishment.
Furthermore, they don’t know that setting boundaries is okay and biblical, even though Jesus clearly set boundaries.
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5. Rewards
People-pleasers may have learned that prioritizing others’ needs is the path to rewards.
As adults, we may continue to try to people please, hoping to get something in return. It may not be monetary, but there is something for both sides to gain. It can also be used to control others.
Example:
Mom: I’ll continue to babysit your kids, but that means I get to tell you how to raise them. I will withdraw my services if you don’t do what I say. (This is probably unspoken, but you know this is what is going on.)
Daughter: I will continue to “obey” my mother and keep her happy so she keeps my kids, even though she is usurping my authority and interfering in my marriage.
Again, our motives are not pure if we please others to get something.
6. Empathy and compassion
People-pleasers often show great amounts of empathy and compassion.
While empathy and compassion are positive traits, excessive empathy can lead to overextending oneself for the sake of others.
Example: You continue to stay at church and volunteer because you genuinely feel empathy for those in need. You’re very tired and overextended, but it meets a need you’re not getting at home. Meanwhile, your family suffers because you are not there.
As Christians, obeying what God has called us to do is essential and even sometimes inconvenient. But it is just that—a calling.
We listen to God’s promptings to help others because He has clearly shown us that we are to say “yes” and do it with pure motives.
7. Perfectionism
People-pleasers may feel they have failed unless they meet others’ expectations perfectly, just like Jesus. The drive for perfection and the need to meet high standards are more important than the people you are helping.
There is an underlying fear of rejection if it is not done perfectly. This is not biblical. We do not serve others out of fear of being perfect like Jesus but out of love for Jesus.
8. Cultural and societal norms
Societal norms and cultural expectations can influence people-pleasing behavior. While it is important to put others first, you must also consider your health and well-being. It is not ungodly to say “no” when you can not do something.
Expectations are just that—expectations. Love drives our motive to do things for others, not expectations to conform to cultural or societal norms as Christians.
If any of these eight things made you pause, keep reading to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser and be your authentic self.
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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Set Healthy Boundaries
If you continue in the unhealthy cycle of people pleasing, you will see less outer conflict with others, which feels nice; however, your inner conflict will grow significantly over time.
The danger of being a people-pleaser is that you may lose who you really are as a person and follower of Jesus. Your motives are not pure internally, but you look spiritual externally. (I think this may qualify as a Pharisee.)
Check out these tips to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser and serve with loving motives:
1. Be willing to change your behavior
If you want to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser, be willing to admit that people-pleasing is unhealthy and not biblical. More importantly, commit to change your behavior immediately.
This may require you to abandon old neuropathways and retrench new thought patterns that are biblically based. It requires you to trust God and stop fixing everyone else.
Your motive should always be love. Not to get or avoid something.
Proverbs 29:25 says, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe (NIV).
2. Allow others to take ownership of their behavior
Stop taking ownership of other people’s feelings, thoughts, and actions. It robs them of being accountable and responsible for their behavior.
Let those around you make mistakes, and be there to comfort them when they do. If you continue to cover, they will never learn how to run to God in times of difficulty.
This is how to stop being a people-pleaser.
3. Share your authentic self with others
No one knows who you are when you hide your thoughts and feelings. You keep people at a safe distance, never letting them into your life.
If you want to know how to stop being a people-pleaser, slowly start sharing your feelings, and don’t be ashamed. Politely tell your family members how you feel about certain situations.
Encourage open dialogue. Be honest and listen.
Additionally, stuffing your feelings internally can lead to emotional and physical health issues.
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4. Practice saying “no”
The danger of being a people-pleaser is that you let everyone run over you because you don’t know how to say “no.” Eventually, this will affect your self-worth.
Decide what you can and can’t do and will and won’t tolerate. Don’t be pressured into doing things that do not bring you life. (Some things like dirty diapers, dishes, etc., may not be optional as this is not a pass to shirk responsibilities.)
Stand before a mirror and practice saying “no” until you are comfortable with the words. Role-play in your mind before you do it.
This is how to stop being a people-pleaser!
Luke 6:26 says, “There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them” (The Message).
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5. Take time out to rest
If you want to know how to stop being a people-pleaser, then take time to rest.
It is time to take care of yourself. Get alone with God and recharge.
More importantly, learn how to maintain healthy relationship patterns with those around you so they don’t drain you.
Find ways to restore the balance in your life if it is out of whack. This doesn’t mean you don’t serve. It means the ways you choose to serve is out of a heart of love, not fear or control.
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6. Be okay with anger
If you want to know how to stop being a people-pleaser, you must learn to be okay with others’ disappointment or anger.
Some people will be angry with you because you no longer take responsibility for their actions or duties. Mentally, decide you can live without their approval before it happens. When it does happen, keep telling yourself you are okay.
When you set biblical boundaries, others may start feeling the pain of their own behavior. This is how it should be.
You can stand firm that God always loves you, even if others are uncomfortable.
1 Thessalonians 2:4 says, “For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts” (NLT).
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7. Desire God’s approval over man’s approval
The danger of being a people pleaser is that you are more concerned with pleasing man first, not God.
Make sure you are pleasing God first. Pray about your commitments before saying “yes” to them. Surround yourself with godly people who encourage you, not intimidate, push, control, or put you down.
Learn to trust God to meet your needs and not fear those imposing on your boundaries. This doesn’t mean you dishonor those you love, but it may mean that you put a little distance between you.
This is how to stop being a people-pleaser.
Galatians 1:10 says, “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant” (NLT).
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Recovering From People Pleasing
Recovering From People PleasingIf you struggle with how to stop being a people-pleaser, make a conscious effort to be truthful about who you are, and don’t be ashamed about how you feel. You are just as loved and important as anyone else.
Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries, developing practical communication skills, and understanding one’s needs and desires is essential to recovery.
Most of all, find out who you are in Christ. This is the most important thing you can do—please God, not man.
Did these tips help you learn how to stop being a people-pleaser and set healthy boundaries? How do you suggest being your authentic self?
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31 Comments
Thankyou so much for this! I have to put in the work from now on, I need to break free from people pleasing.
Thanks for this post, I really feel encouraged, because I know I please people a lot and the Lord has been drawing me to break free from it. God bless you above measure. Amen.
Thanks for these words!!!!
They are so helpful;; people pleasing is so subtle and according to my experience thought diary is a good way to catch it.
Hasaa, yes, I love journaling! Such a great way to catch bad thinking. Good suggestion for people who want to stop people-pleasing. Thanks for your comment.
Oh. My. Word. This is so good and really hits the “authority” and “good Christian” angle that I’ve struggled to articulate. I will be bookmarking and rereading this a few times . Thank you.
Sheri, thanks for your comments. I hope this really helps you! Many blessings.
Julie, this is a really insightful post. I see myself everywhere in it. God has been helping me establish healthy boundaries the last few years and it has been better. I also had to get to where I was ok with other people’s anger. TY for this post! I have been thinking about writing a post about family issues and if I do, I could feature a link to purchase your book on amazon.
What an insightful and thought provoking piece on people pleasing. We may all have some lessons to learn in this area. Thank you for sharing your heart on this issue. Bless you@
Yaa, this is one of my worst faults. I think I wrote it to myself. I keep going back and rereading it to remind me what I need to do and not do! Thanks for your comment.
Great thoughts! I struggle with people-pleasing and have found myself in dark times because I am so overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing ways to set boundaries and being okay with saying no.
Katie, it is hard. Right? I can get overwhelmed fast. I want to do everything and help everyone at my own expense. I am doing better now though. Thanks for your comments.
Thank you for such a great article Julie! Interesting fact you shared is the root of people pleasing is fear. And God doesn’t want us to have any fear.
Tinashe, I still am shocked that the root cause of people pleasing is fear. But is makes sense. You’re right, God doesn’t want to live in fear. Thanks for your comment.
This is such a helpful, soul-searching post. I’m definitely a people-pleasure and it adds stress to my life for sure. I plan to refer back to your post frequently. Thanks for sharing!
Cayla, I have to refer back to my post too! I am so glad this was meaningful. I think nice people fall into this trap very fast. Thanks for your comment.
I struggle with people pleasing myself but have learned to say no more lately. It’s done wonders for my mental health!
Bre, people pleasing is such a slippery slope. Who knew it would affect mental health? I am so glad you have been able to say no more often.
Interesting article, gives me something to think about further.
Ginger, people pleasing is definitely hard to wrap your mind around. Thanks for your comment.
I definitely appreciated reading this post, and I am sure many other people will too – it’s definitely a reminder that some of us need to hear. Thank you for sharing!
Alexandra, I am glad you appreciated the post about people pleasing.
Relationships sure are complicated. Thanks for the insight.
Erin, yes they can get complicated. Wish it wasn’t so hard to navigate.
Being a people person has perks and negatives to it for sure. I try to find something right in the middle.
Susie, I know, right? People pleasing seems to be the plague of being a people person.
I was just talking about this topic yesterday with a young friend of mine. Going to send this over to her for her to read. She just doesn’t like upsetting people or wanting people to be mad at her. She gets walked over all the time.
Candy, I hope she will get a lot out of this. It took a long time to write this because I was basically talking to myself. Ugh.
This was fantastic!! I’m a people pleaser to the core so this really spoke to me. It’s a journey to come out of that state of mind and heart, but Jesus is showing me how His opinion is the only one that really matters. Thanks for this!! 🙂
Becky, thank you for your thoughtful comment. It is easy to get being a good Christian with people pleasing. I know God will help you see the difference. He is showing me. I definitely want to please Him first too.
WOW! I am in total awe right now. This was indeed a very good read. Every bit of it spoke to me and brought everything I’ve thought or felt to the light. I’ve struggled with being a people pleaser as long as I can remember and I’m extremely tired. I’m thankful for finding this because it’s confirmation to many prayers. Thank you for letting God use you. Blessings 💛
Tiffany, I am so glad this helped you. I constantly have to ask myself if I am caught in a people-pleasing situation or if I truly need to do something. It is a lifelong struggle because I am generally a very sweet and gentle person who wants to help everyone. As you say, it is tiring. Setting boundaries is the best thing I have done. I said “no” to 2 things today, and I am so relieved. It is so freeing not to be resentful for doing things that you know you don’t need to do. Thanks for your comment.