How to Stop Self-Pity: 7 Ways to Overcome Hurt

Do you want to know how to stop self-pity and overcome hurt? Perhaps, like me, you hate to admit you’ve had an ongoing conversation in your head that is not very healthy.

You replay every scenario from the past, wondering how someone else could be so insensitive or how ________ mistreated you. You are never going to ___________because of _________.

And the worst one …vengeance. You’re going to make them pay by doing ___________to them. That will teach them!

(I know this tape well.)

Sadly, your mind gets stuck ruminating on the same people and the same dialogue until it is an obsession. Before you know it, you have lost your power to another person. Perhaps this person has even become an idol of sorts without realizing it.

Truthfully, self-pity can rob us of our mental well-being because we are so stuck on the hurt (and person) that we can not move forward. We are constantly trying to figure out how to control or fix others instead of ourselves.

Once you start down this rabbit hole, it is hard to stop unless you decide to. Thankfully, I have learned how to stop this bad habit, and you can, too.

This post will show you how to stop self-pity and even overcome it. You don’t have to be caught in a cycle of unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, or revenge. With these seven tips, you can be free again.

Before learning how to stop self-pity, let’s examine what it is and what causes it. More importantly, how self-pity is different from grieving. You may be surprised.

RELATED: Negative Self-Talk: How to Combat the Lies With Scripture

What Is Self-Pity?

Frankly, self-pity looks gross. News alert: no one enjoys being around wallowers.

When no one joins in the wallowing, you are angry, which, in turn, causes more self-pity. It is truly a cycle of unforgiveness and self-absorption all rolled into one. And that’s how we stay stuck.

The proverbial pig in the mud is a pretty good visual.

What is Grieving?

Grieving and self-pity are indeed different emotional experiences. Grieving typically involves processing and mourning a loss, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or even a sense of security or expectation.

It’s a natural response to loss and often involves a mix of emotions, such as sadness, anger, or confusion.

Grieving is a broader emotional response to loss, whereas self-pity is a narrower, more self-centered feeling of being unfairly treated.

We are all unfairly treated at some point. Healthy people shake off the dust(grieve), get back up, and move on.

What Causes Self-Pity?

Various factors, both internal and external, can trigger self-pity. Here are some common causes:

1. Unresolved Trauma or Grief: Past experiences of trauma, loss, or significant emotional pain can lead to feelings of self-pity, especially if these experiences are unresolved or unprocessed, such as a family estrangement.
2. Low Self-Esteem: You struggle with low self-esteem, which makes you more prone to self-pity. You often view yourself as less capable or deserving of positive outcomes, leading you to dwell on your misfortunes.
3. Perceived Unfairness: Feeling that life has treated you unfairly or been dealt an unjust hand. In turn, this can lead you to focus on your suffering, fostering a sense of victimhood.
4. Chronic Stress or Fatigue: Ongoing stress, whether from work, relationships, or other pressures, can wear you down, making you more likely to fall into a pattern of self-pity.
5. Lack of Support: A perceived or real lack of emotional support from friends, family, or a community can make you feel isolated and lead to self-pity as you struggle to cope with challenges alone.
6. Comparison to Others: Constantly comparing yourself to others, especially if those comparisons are unfavorable, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-pity.
7. Unmet Expectations: When life doesn’t turn out as expected or goals are not achieved, you might dwell on disappointments that lead to self-pity.
8. Victim Mentality: You develop a habitual mindset of viewing yourself as perpetual victims of circumstance, leading you to engage in self-pity more frequently.
9. Negative Thinking Patterns: Persistent negative thinking, such as focusing on worst-case scenarios or expecting failure, can create a cycle of self-pity as one continually feels defeated by life.

Self-pity Is a Choice

I know this feels harsh, but self-pity is actually a choice not to let go when hurtful things happen, even traumatic situations.

Don’t get me wrong. There is an appropriate time to grieve. Initial feelings of self-pity can be normal and even healthy if they lead to reflection and motivate you to take steps toward positive changes in thinking and behavior or finding professional help to move you there.

The key is not to let self-pity become a prolonged or dominant response to life’s difficulties. In my case, I had to stop obsessing about my family estrangement and move on until the stronghold was broken.

It was a fight of the mind to move on without closure.

RELATED: Supercharge Your Life When You Forgive Those Who Hurt You

How to Stop Self-Pity and Overcome Hurt

If you want to know how to stop self-pity and overcome hurt, check out these seven things you can do to face the pain. It takes some discipline, but you will see great results in time if you follow these tips.

1.)  Stop ruminating is how to stop self-pity

If you want to know how to stop self-pity, quit repeatedly playing the same situation in your head. You know, those arguments in your mind that keep going in circles… Realize that you are allowing others to steal your joy and peace when you do this.

Ruminating actually made me sick. Very sick. So make it a point to catch yourself when it starts. It is not just for your mental health; it is for your physical health.

Picture a stop sign blinking red in your head, and allow it to break your train of thought.

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

RELATED: How to Stop Negative Self-Talk: 6 Tips to Break the Habit Today

Get your FREE “WHO I AM IN CHRIST’ PRINTABLE and change the way you think about your situation!

2). Stop complaining is how to stop self-pity

The next phase in the self-pity cycle is complaining. Stop engaging everyone in your story; it’s like a car spinning its wheels in the mud.

We want others to join our bandwagon so we feel better about our obsessing and ruminating. This kind of validation only feeds the monster, yet you fear stopping because you don’t know how else to deal with your pain.

If you need to process, join a support group that offers steps to healing and encouragement, not one that perpetuates anger, bitterness, and more groupthink. Surround yourself with people who are moving forward.

The point is not to let your pain and hurt contaminate all your relationships.

Ps 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

3.) Releasing the situation to God is how to stop self-pity

The most challenging step is to release everything to God instead of ruminating and complaining. It is a choice; you will probably never feel like doing this.

Visualize taking your situation to the cross and dropping it at Jesus’ feet. You will never heal yourself by looking to yourself (which is self-pity); your focus must change to Jesus, who He says you are, and what you can do through Him.

Remember, you have the mind of Christ. You can let go! This is how to stop self-pity and overcome the hurt.

1 Corinthians 2:16 says, “For who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.”

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4.) Forgiving is how to stop self-pity

Forgive yourself and others for anything still causing bitterness. Don’t leave anything on your side undone. You are only responsible for yourself, nothing more.

Release the right to hear “I’m sorry” from the other person. Even if they are never sorry, that doesn’t mean you can’t move on with your life with complete forgiveness.

It’s time to let go of the past, whatever happened. If there is trauma, the process may take a long time.  Forgiveness comes in layers, so be patient.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

RELATED: Supercharge Your Life When You Forgive Those Who Hurt You

5). Choosing gratitude is how to stop self-pity

Replace your self-pity with gratitude. Every time you start feeling sorry for yourself, start naming everything you are grateful for. Start a gratitude journal to help you remember the good things in your life.

Turn every negative thought into something positive. Then, what comes out of your mouth will not be toxic. Instead, it will be uplifting and encouraging. We all enjoy being around positive people, not negative Nelly.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

RELATED: The Best Gratitude Activity to Do with Your Teen

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)

6). Volunteering is how to stop self-pity

If you want to know how to get rid of self-pity, volunteer.  When you start helping others, you realize you are not alone in your pain. Satan loves to isolate and then pick us off one by one.

He wants you to think you are alone and the only one who feels this way. That somehow, your pain is the exception.

This is a lie!

Don’t let self-pity keep you from loving and helping those who are also hurting. Ironically, helping others heals you. This is why I write and speak. It brings me joy to help others walk through their pain and find the same healing I have experienced.

This is one of those upside-down principles in God’s economy.

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7.) Prayer and scripture is how to stop self-pity

As Christians, our first line of defense should always be prayer. If you want to stop self-pity, ask God to help you overcome it. We grieve (lament) and then give it over to God.

Get notecards and write relevant scriptures to combat self-pity and remind yourself of who you are in Christ. You are an overcomer, loved, accepted, healed, and saved from the torment of self-pity (Matt. 18).

I found a prayer/accountability partner who also had a family estrangement. We prayed in person once a month and encouraged each other to keep working through the pain. Eventually, we both reconciled with our families.

We still get together after all these years and pray for each other’s families.

(Find someone passionate about prayer, healing, and restoration, whatever your issue is.)

This is how to stop feeling self-pity and overcome the hurt.

Philippians 4:8 says,  ^“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

RELATED: 25 Different Methods of Prayer That Are Powerful

Purchase this “estranged from family” book on Amazon or your favorite digital store. 

How Do I Get Rid of Self-Pity?

If you want to know how to stop feeling self-pity, start with this prayer, as suggested above.  Here’s a sample prayer to get you started:

Dear God,

Thank you for loving and caring for me. You alone know my deep hurts, frustrations, and feelings of rejection regarding (the situation). I ask that you help me change what I can, forgive those who have hurt me, and release the rest to You.

Thank you for giving me the power to lay this problem down at the cross and no longer wallow in my pain.

When I am tempted to take it back, please remind me that You control the situation, not me. I can rest in You. Thank you, Lord, that I can trust you to work in ways I never dreamed possible.

Help me to put my mind at ease and claim Philippians 4: 8, which says to “think on things that are true, right, pure, noble, and lovely.”

Let my mind be fixed on You and Your healing words, not mine. If I need to think about the situation, give me the right thoughts, including a solution, but nothing more until then.

Please help me to praise you in this situation even though I don’t know how to solve it or let go. Thank you for allowing me to surrender my mind to You and align it with Christ. Please help me to move on with my life. Restore to me the joy of your salvation.

In Jesus’ Name,
Amen

Don’t discount prayer. It is the best tool when learning how to stop self-pity. Every time you feel tempted to return to wrong thinking, start praying.

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How to Stop Feeling Self-Pity?

If you want to stop feeling self-pity, change your thinking. Stop obsessing and ruminating. Refocus on God and others instead of yourself and your pain. It is the most freeing thing you can do.

You no longer have to harbor anger, resentment, or bitterness in your heart. God wants His people to be free to do His work and not bound up in themselves.

If you need more help, sit facing an empty chair and say everything you need to say out loud to the invisible person who hurt you. Spew out the venom. It needs to come out.

Journal daily. Write a letter and rip it up.

Perhaps even talk to a pastor or counselor to help you process and grieve.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Did you learn how to stop self-pity? Comment below. 

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)