Rejected Apology by Your Estranged Child? What You Need to Know

Have you experienced a rejected apology from your estranged child (or anyone)? You are not alone. This is a common theme among estranged parents.

Most estranged parents have probably thrown around “I’m sorry” more times than they can count, thinking it would magically fix something.

Instead, their words hit the ground with a loud thud, like a lead balloon. Now they’re fuming—what more does their adult child want from them? A kidney?

So, why was the apology rejected? And are there magic words that would make things right again?

Interestingly, most parents who have experienced a rejected apology tend to blame the current culture–social media, television, entitlement, Hollywood, friends, materialism–as the real culprits of the division in their families.

While some of these reasons may play a part in a family estrangement, they are not the only reasons adult children walk away.

While I can’t tell you why your adult child left,  I can tell you that your apology may be a reason why they are still gone.

First, let’s look at seven ineffective types of apologies. After that, we will review better ways to apologize to your estranged adult child and have a better chance of not seeing another rejected apology.

RELATED: Helpful Tips For Estranged Parents Who Want Their Family Back

Rejected Apology: 7 Ineffective Types of Apologies

Here are seven types of apologies you may have used when talking to your adult child.  While these apologies may be a good start, they only scratch the surface of some very deep hurts. Therefore, they will probably not work for a family rift or a family estrangement.

You are dealing with simmering resentments that have built up over many years that typically include patterns of hurtful behavior, not just one or two situations.

Think of it like a body with broken bones.

You’re not working with one or two fractures; you are dealing with fractures in the hand, foot, arm, ankle, toe, femur, and skull. A Superman bandaid isn’t going to heal this kind of wound.

These seven apologies are like Superman bandaids over each broken bone.

1. Blanket apology

This apology is made when someone doesn’t want to know or cannot be specific about what they did wrong. Because of its lack of specificity, it feels insincere, invalidates, minimizes, and lacks accountability.

Estranged adult children often find blanket apologies unsatisfying or even counterproductive because they do not have the assurance that the pattern of behavior will be remedied. This tactic will likely cause another rejected apology.

Here are some examples of a blanket apology:

• I’m sorry if I hurt you.
• I’m sorry for everything that happened.
• I’m sorry I wasn’t a perfect parent.
• I’m sorry you had to go through that.
• I’m sorry you felt that way.
• I’m sorry you think that.

2. Forced apology

This apology is often given under pressure and lacks genuine remorse as well. It happens when one spouse forces the other to apologize to their adult child.

Adult children can see through this tactic and often find it humiliating that one parent must force (like a mom pushing a child) another to apologize for their bad behavior as they can’t see it for themselves.

Instead of remedying the situation, it compounds the issues as control was used to get a disingenuous result. This tactic will likely cause another rejected apology.

• Your mother said I did _______, so I am sorry.
• Your father told me to apologize, so I’m calling to let you know I’m sorry.

3. Defensive apology

A defensive apology is an apology combined with an excuse that justifies the behavior, often to avoid full accountability.

Often, someone will shift blame to an external factor, focusing more on self-protection and their own feelings than acknowledging the full extent of harm to the other person, even if unintentional. This tactic will likely cause another rejected apology.

• I’m sorry, but I was really stressed during that time period.
• I’m sorry but you don’t understand what was happening to me.
• I’m sorry I was a yeller, but you pushed my buttons.
• I’m sorry I didn’t _______, but  ___________.

4. Over-apology

An over-apology is apologizing for everything imaginable, hoping like a shotgun, one of the bullets will stick. It is much like a blanket apology only more aggressive.

Again, the one apologizing is trying to find the magic combination, so all is good. This tactic will likely cause another rejected apology.

• I’m sorry …
• I’m sorry …
• I’m sorry…

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5. The angry apology

The person apologizing is angry and unremorseful but does it to check off a box. It is a blanket apology with a bite and can even be delivered while yelling.

Often, the offended person feels shame and fear for even saying anything about the offense in the first place. This tactic will likely cause another rejected apology.

• I’m sorry I screwed up your whole life!
• I’m sorry you think I was such a monster!
• I’m sorry you think I was such bad mother/father!

RELATED: Toxic vs. Difficult People: How to Tell the Difference

6. Blame-shifting apology

This apology often happens when one parent shifts the blame to someone or something else while at the same time failing to recognize their own culpability in the relationship breakdown.

This tactic will likely cause another rejected apology.

• I’m sorry but this was your dad’s fault. He didn’t …
• I’m sorry, but your mom should have…
• I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault dad/mom had a bad childhood.
• I’m sorry, but you were so over-sensitive.
• I’m sorry, but your sister shouldn’t have…
• I’m sorry, but you were impossible.

7. No apology

The only thing worse than an ineffective apology is no apology at all. This can happen because of pride, fear of appearing weak, or reluctance to confront mistakes. The parent might also struggle with uncomfortable emotions like guilt, shame, or regret.

Refusing to apologize might be a way for the parent to assert control. Some parents may view acknowledgment or an apology as threatening their authority. I have seen many Christian parents support this view with scripture as they believe in their ultimate and unchecked authority.

Furthermore, they feel they are inherently justified in their actions, as the Bible reinforces obedience (Eph. 6:1). Oddly, parents stop there and don’t read three scriptures down about provoking their children to anger (Eph. 6:4).

RELATED: How to Deal with Difficult Family Members and Overcome Hurt

Rejected Apology: What Your Adult Child Heard When You Apologized

When your adult child receives one or more of these types of apologies, they may have heard this instead:

“I refuse to acknowledge or explore my role in our estrangement because reflecting on my actions feels too uncomfortable or unnecessary. Instead of addressing the pain I’ve caused, I want you to overlook it and be grateful that I’m even making a minimal effort to delve into the details. Let’s move past this quickly so things can return to the way they were, without requiring me to truly change or take responsibility for my actions.”

This may not have been your intention, but what you did or did not say in your apology may be why you experienced a rejected apology and the driving force of your continued estrangement.

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“I realize that my criticism of your choices and my failure to respect your boundaries hurt you deeply. I regret my actions and want to work on being more supportive and understanding moving forward.”

I’m sorry for ______. I understand how I made you feel. I can do better. In the future, I will/will not do _________.

What If I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong?

You have been a parent for _____ number of years. You have made mistakes. While they were probably not on purpose, your behavior may have been hurtful. Stress, divorce, moving, schools,  poverty, etc., are all examples of things that weren’t necessarily your fault, but listening to how it affected your adult child could be helpful.

There may be some issues that you did the right thing, but how it was handled was wrong. An apology for how you approached it will go a long way; perhaps that was the hurtful part. Acknowledging how it made your adult child felt may also help build a bridge across a gully.

Why Should I Apologize?

There are multiple reasons why you need to apologize the right way:

1. It is your responsibility to sweep your side of the street, take ownership of your behavior, and change so you can heal your relationship.
2. As the parent, you set the example. More responsibility lies on you for leading the way. It doesn’t matter if your adult child apologizes back or accepts yours. You do the right thing anyway.
3. You were in control of what happened in your family system for many more years than your child. Therefore, you are responsible for those years.
4. You are ultimately responsible to God. He commands us to repent (Matt. 1: 15, 3:2-8, Mark 1:4,  Acts 3:19, 17:30, 1 John 1:9, Proverbs 28:13).

Apologizing and taking full ownership of our mistakes is one of the hardest things to do. It requires us to confront our feelings of shame and guilt, emotions that can be overwhelming and deeply painful.

Shame whispers that we are flawed at our core and exposed. The act of apologizing demands humility, courage, and the willingness to set aside our pride, admitting that we were wrong and our actions may have caused pain.

Yet, as difficult as they are, these moments of accountability can lead to genuine healing and restoration in our relationships.

What will you do? Continue to make excuses and blame others, or will you do the hard thing and let God show you how to build a bridge back to your adult child by making amends?

What tips do you have for those who have experienced a rejected apology? Comment below.

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)

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