Let me tell you a little about myself. I grew up in Dallas, Texas. My father was the associate pastor of two megachurches in the area, and my mother was the pastor’s secretary. (Before that they were in the restaurant and nightclub business—Italian Village and Gringos nightclub. Gringos was the first nightclub in Texas.)
I guess that made me a “preacher’s kid.” I know, strange transition from nightclub to church, right? Sadly, I found my worth in performance and being the “good” kid. We looked like the perfect Christian family. (Let me break the illusion right now and inform you there is no such thing!)
In 2008, I became dangerously thin. Nothing I ate would digest properly. Over a short period, I lost thirty pounds. Many tests were done. The final diagnosis was Crohn’s disease. After another round of tests, the doctors wanted to take out my colon.
I would have to have a bag attached to the outside of my body for the rest of my life, an ileostomy. The doctor informed me it would be irreversible because of the extensive damage.
At this point, I decided to remove everyone and everything that caused me stress, including my family.
I had stuffed my emotions over the last forty years, and it finally took a toll on me. I knew I had to get away to heal mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, as I did not feel I had the tools to deal with my family’s dysfunction. So, in 2009, my husband, children, and I left my family of origin.
How does a family in ministry for thirty years break apart? It happens more than you think.
For seven years, I had no contact with my family of origin or most of my extended family. My kids lost cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I didn’t like the situation but also didn’t know how to fix it either.
We were stuck in an unhealthy family system. The IBLP (Bill Gothard) movement fueled some of the problems. In my parents’ defense, many evangelical churches followed the principles of fear-based parenting in the 1970’s-1990’s.
While there were other issues, I do not go into details here. You can read more about “why” I left in this post.
Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.
Leaving the family was difficult, but we felt it was necessary since I was so sick. Within the first year, my colon started to heal. During that time, God took me, my husband, and my kids, on the journey of a lifetime.
Being estranged turned out to be lonely and embarrassing. It was a shame-filled secret that was hard to explain. After many years away, my husband and I felt God calling us back to my family. However, so many bridges had been burned that I thought returning was impossible.
Since I couldn’t speak to my father, I prayed that God would speak to him in a dream. I fasted on a Monday and Tuesday (January 2017), and my father called three days later–Friday. It had been seven years.
And the reason he called…God spoke to him in a dream.
I’d say that’s pretty miraculous after seven years of no talking! This was not the only miracle. Seven other miracles happened over exactly one year, including remission from Crohn’s disease. (I tell about all of them in my book.) All I can say is that there is no explanation for this other than God was the bridge back to my broken family. Not many people leave and return to their family of origin once they have walked away. There is too much damage done.
It wasn’t easy for any of us to swallow our pride. It took a lot of courage on all sides. Of course, we would not have reconciled without the main ingredients–forgiveness, prayer, and fasting. They have been the keys to everything. Our family is a testament to what God can do when there is no human way to reconcile. If He can do it for us, He can do it for you.
Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.
Looking back, I now realize I contributed to the problems.
I went to a Christian 12-step program (Re:generation) to help me understand what was going on in my family as I started to see some of the same behaviors repeating in the next generation. Oddly, I had never done drugs, never been drunk, and was not a gambler; I went on mission trips, attended church regularly, and in Bible study most of my adult life. I could not figure out where I was going wrong.
After some digging, I realized I did have addictions/strongholds in my life. What were they? Unforgiveness, rage, bitterness, rumination, blaming, judging, self-pity, and revenge, which gave me a false sense of power.
Every time I defaulted to these unhealthy behaviors, I felt an adrenaline rush or a dopamine hit of sorts. In fact, I felt giddy. I didn’t know what I was doing; I just knew this newfound power felt good—I mean really good. I didn’t want to let go of the destructive behaviors and forgive because I felt justified, even self-righteous. Once I got my eyes off of everyone else, I realized I had plenty to deal with in my own life. The real issue was how I responded to those hurts in the past. That is where I found the root of all my issues.
Perhaps you, too, feel justified in your anger. If you put down your sword, you will have no power left and no longer feel protected. I can tell you firsthand that these behaviors never gave you power, only poison. You can’t internalize these thoughts and actions without it somehow destroying you. If you hold fire to your bosom, you will get burned (Prov. 6:27)
Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.
Did you know 1 out of 4 people have a family estrangement? I invite you to pray about your family situation. Ask God to show you where you may be struggling. Perhaps you, too, have fallen into the same dangerous trap as me—everyone is toxic and you are the victim. You are angry and want to forgive, but you just can’t let go because that will mean that whatever happened was “okay” when it wasn’t. Furthermore, you can’t figure out how to function in your dysfunctional family system. You don’t have the tools. You want to set boundaries, but you don’t know how to make them stick.
Family conflict is often a generational stronghold of learned behaviors (control, rage, bitterness, unforgiveness, blaming, self-pity, revenge, etc.) that are not easily broken or personally addressed. Many times it is a stronghold that is entrenched for several generations. Perhaps it is time to consider what part you are playing in the cycle of your family brokenness. (Yes, you play a part whether you realize it or not.)
To break the cycle, it starts with you. Are you ready to take the first step? Are you willing to learn how to set boundaries, even make amends? (You can read more about how to fix your family estrangement here.) Are you willing to fast and pray like never before because that is what it takes to break this kind of entrenchment?
My book Estranged details how to forgive no matter what happened. It also explains why most adult children walk away and what you can do while waiting for God to move in your family. You are not powerless!
My latest book, Marriage Interrupted, addresses how to navigate conflict as a married couple. I’ve observed a recurring theme with family estrangement—those experiencing family conflict often face marital issues as well.
This book is a must-read, as it may help you salvage your marriage before it becomes another fractured relationship too. Don’t continue another day wondering what you can do to change the trajectory of your life. There are real answers that will help you unravel the messy parts with God’s help.
Are you struggling to have a healthy marriage?
Do you want to change your spouse, but it’s not working?
Get Marriage Interrupted: How to Deal with Unexpected Conflict as a Couple and Stay in Love on Amazon.
Are you struggling to get along with family?
Do you want to forgive, but you just can’t do it?
Get Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart on Amazon or your favorite digital store.
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Julie is a wife, mother, double-certified teacher, author, content creator, and seminary student at Dallas Theological Seminary. Before marriage, she taught speech, drama, and English in the Richardson Independent School District.
She is the author of three books—Estranged, Marriage Interrupted, and Creating Family Memories. Her book Estranged is recommended by Focus on the Family’s counseling department and FamilyLife Today, among many others, as a trusted resource for families in crisis. She has been featured on over 22 podcasts and speaks to MomCo groups and women’s conferences. She has written for Her View From Home, Christianparenting.org, and is listed in Feedspot’s Top Christian Mom Blogs 2021-2026. She has also been featured in Women’s World magazine.
Married 32 years, Julie and her husband are passionate about encouraging forgiveness and reconciliation with healthy boundaries in both marriage and family. They reside in Dallas, Texas, where they enjoy life with their two grown children and their beloved 6-pound Shih Tzu, Lucy.
