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Are you struggling to get along with your spouse? How about doing a 30-day marriage challenge to turn your marriage around?

Perhaps you feel like your marriage is so bad that it is hopeless, and a 30-day marriage challenge won’t work. In fact, trust has been broken and there is little to no communication between you both.

Before you give up, give yourself 30 days for God to work on your marriage. Allow Him to change both of you in ways you never thought possible.

In this post, we will address how to get out of the cycle of a critical spirit (and blaming) and change the trajectory of your marriage with a 30-day marriage challenge.

Are You Stuck in the Blame Game?

Before we talk about the 30-day marriage challenge for couples, let’s address the blame game. Let me guess… each of you is pointing fingers, thinking the other person needs to change first.

The classic line erupts from one of your mouths, “If only my spouse would stop doing ______, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

Or how about “You made me do this!” (They can’t make you do anything. You choose.)

Somehow you have it in your brain that everything is your spouse’s fault. Meanwhile, you continue to force a change with your words.

How’s that working for you?

Your spouse may try to please you for a while, but eventually, the change won’t be permanent because blame doesn’t produce a heart change.

If you are caught in the cycle of blaming, make a commitment today to stop pointing fingers.

I know it seems upside down. You feel like your spouse should change first, but this is how God’s economy works: The way you change your spouse is to change yourself first.

When you change, it forces your spouse to change the way they do things.

RELATED: How to Change Your Husband With These 5 Powerful Prayers

Why Do We Criticize Our Spouse?

Most of the time, criticism plays a big part in the cycle of an unhealthy marriage.

Many times, there is an underlying anger about something big, and it comes out left-handed in the small things. Chances are you criticize subconsciously and don’t even know it.

So what is a critical spirit, and do you have one?

A critical spirit seeks to condemn, blame, denigrate, and destroy with words. It often manifests as complaining, having unrealistic expectations, controlling, noticing failure in others more than in oneself, and being judgmental.

A critical spirit can manifest as revenge. By the time the verbal lashing is over one can feel disrespected, inadequate, and unloved causing the other person to withdrawal or completely give up.

In contrast, constructive criticism involves opinions that are meant to build up, encourage, cheer, hope, endure, and believe in a person even after a failure. (See 1 Corinthians 13)

If you want to do a 30-day marriage challenge, then realize it starts with being kind, loving, and positive.

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It doesn’t mean you negate your feelings, you just choose to believe the best of your spouse and speak life into their life instead of death.

In Matthew 22:37 and 39, God commands us to “love Him with all of our hearts, with all our minds, and with all our souls and to love our neighbor as we already love ourselves.”

RELATED: Christian Marriage Advice: 10 Best Tips For a Christ-Centered Marriage

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What Does It Mean to Be Critical of Your Partner?

If you want to know how to change your spouse with a 30-marriage challenge, then it is time to see how you respond to your spouse on a daily basis.

It starts with little things like how she cleans the house, hangs the towels, or makes dinner. Or how he bathes the kids, squeezes the toothpaste, or mows the lawn.

All of these things need to get done, but they don’t need to be micromanaged.

If the criticism gets worse, it may go to a new level. Perhaps you start criticizing and embarrassing each other in public or berating each other in front of the kids.

Over time, the narrative of your marriage becomes hostile. You are constantly cutting each other down.

This is why a critical spirit is wrong and sinful. In fact, it is destructive to any relationship, no matter what has happened in the past.

This is Satan’s strategy to further tear your marriage apart so that reconciliation is next to impossible. When a spouse feels like they can’t do the small things right, they will eventually give up and stop trying to overcome the big thing.

Did you know Satan is called “the accuser of the brethren” (Rev. 12:10)? Are you following in the same behavior?

Proverbs 15:15 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels” (The Book).

RELATED: Spiritual Wholeness: 6 Powerful Ways to Mend a Relationship

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How Can I Change My Spouse in 30 Days?

If you want to do a 30-day marriage challenge and move forward into a healthy marriage then it is important to examine your heart and see what part you are playing in hurting your spouse and ultimately your marriage.

Moreover, in what ways do you not display God’s character (love)?

John 4:16 says, “We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them” (New Living Translation).

When you do need to speak up, choose your words wisely. Focus on being encouraging and not critical. Your job is to cheer for your spouse just like a coach or a great teacher cheers for a student.

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Think about this…Your spouse has been cheered by his or her parents, family, in sports, job, and then you come along and “boo.”

Would you want to come home to “boos” every night?

RELATED: Read this article on encouraging your husband by Dave and Ann Wilson (FamilyLife Today) for further explanation.

Make it your goal from now on to catch your spouse doing things “right.” You are on the same team. When your spouse wins, you win too!

And when you tear down your spouse, you tear down your marriage because you are one.

This is the spirit of the 30-day marriage challenge.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing ” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV).

RELATED: War Room Prayer Strategy: 7 Tips to Pray Powerful Prayers

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What Is the 30-Day Marriage Challenge?

Try these 3 tips when you do the 30-day marriage challenge. Why? Because it takes 30 days to break a habit. You will have a different spouse at the end of the month. (The different spouse may actually be you.)

1. For the next 30 days, do not say anything critical to your spouse. Try to be positive in your words and deeds. It doesn’t mean you ignore bad behavior. Just handle it in a calm and even-toned manner.

This doesn’t mean you bypass marriage counseling either. Sin needs to be confronted and addressed.

2. Replace your critical heart with love. (Positive and encouraging comments will flow out of it.) Say positive things to your spouse for the next 30 days. Make them sincere, and do it often. Do this both publicly and privately.

The key to overcoming this negative spirit is to swap out hate for love, tearing down for building up, and grief for grace.

Many of you will struggle with this after one day. Keep going! Your struggle only shows how deeply you are entrenched in blaming and criticism.

Check out these printables to give you more ideas on how to love well.

RELATED: 5 Reasons to Forgive Those Who Hurt You (Even If They Don’t Deserve It)

3. Pray for your spouse every day. This will help you change your attitude and forgive your spouse.

I highly suggest using the prayers written at the end of each chapter of The Power of a Praying Wife. Stormie O’Martian does an excellent job covering every subject possible. (There are 31 chapters)

When you get time, read the whole book, but for now, start praying the prayers every single day.

RELATED: How to Change Your Husband Without Saying a Word

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What to Do After the 30-Day Marriage Challenge?

After the 30-day marriage challenge, examine your marriage. I believe you will have a much better attitude. And hopefully, you will see an overall change in the spirit of your marriage.

By all means, keep encouraging, loving, forgiving, etc.

Once you get the attention off your unhealthy reactions, your spouse will be more center stage to deal with the bigger stuff. Psychologically, your spouse needs to feel good at dealing with the small stuff, because they really need support when overcoming the big stuff.

Shaking off a critical attitude might seem like an impossible task, especially when it’s become a part of who you are. But don’t fret! If you ask the Holy Spirit, He will give you the power to truly love your spouse like Jesus loves you.

Did you do the 30-day marriage challenge?  Comment below.

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Is Your Marriage Struggling? Do You Want to Change Your Spouse?

Get Marriage Interrupted: How to Deal with Unexpected Conflict as a Couple and Stay in Love on Amazon or any digital platform. This book is filled with both humorous and impactful insights for anyone experiencing marriage conflict.

Included is biblical advice to help couples develop new behaviors and strengthen their marriage with healthy boundaries. With over 30 years of marriage experience, there are practical tips to not only overcome old patterns of behavior but also rekindle a marriage relationship that is rooted in God’s love.

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Got Family Problems? There is Help and Hope!

Are you experiencing family problems or have a family estrangement? Do you feel shame, anger, or rejection? Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart on Amazon or at your favorite digital store. 

See also  6 Tips When You Feel Like You’ve Failed as a Parent

This book not only talks about my seven-year estrangement (and reconciliation) from my Christian family but also gives solid tips to help you with your family problems. Break free from your pain. Allow God to heal you no matter what has happened in your family of origin. There is hope when your family falls apart.

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Get Creating Family Memories. This book will help you manage your family in a way that allows more time to be intentional with your kids.  It includes a schedule too. You can get it at your favorite digital bookstore.

Join the group Christian Family Living on Facebook

Continue the conversation on Facebook and join the group Christian Family Living. This is a place for Christian women to freely talk about parenting, marriage, faith, family, and culture. Being a Christian is hard! Let’s do it together. Most of all, a sense of humor is required. Got memes? Bring it on!

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Author

Julie is a wife, mom, author, and blogger. She writes about Christian family living, marriage, and faith with a touch of humor.

51 Comments

  1. I just loved this part “Your struggle only shows how deeply you have gone into negativity”. Thabk you very much for beeing so clear and brave in writting those words. Those were the push I needed. Ready to bring more joy and gratitude to my marriage and family right now!!

    • Romina, I am so glad this was helpful for you. Dealing with your part will definitely help your marriage in so many ways. Praying for your spouse will really push it along. God can help the most troubled marriages if we will put a stake in the ground and say no more.

    • Erin, I am so glad that you use these same points in therapy. Having a critical spirit is destructive in any marriage. Thanks for the comment.

  2. There is so much truth here! I’ve found that the things I nag and fuss about the most are the things that become sore spots in our marriage, but when I change the narrative and instead begin to encourage and come along side my husband, real change begins to happen. But it’s not just his actions that change, it’s my heart and attitude toward him ❤️

    • Erin, yes! You have the concept down. I know it is tempting to push your husband to change, but you can only change yourself. Thanks for your comment.

  3. I have found this to be so true in my marriage as well as in my relationship with my children. When I am overly critical and don’t leave room for grace or personality differences then it tears us apart. I have had to learn to tame my tongue and it has made a huge difference in our family.

    • Sara, I know what you mean. It is easy to filter everything through your own lens and not see outside that scope. We miss so much when we don’t have empathy for others and understand how they feel. Thanks for your comment.

  4. It seems like such an uphill battle to get rid of this spirit, its hard work working on yourself!

  5. I couldn´t agree more with you!
    I have a critical spirit and I´m coincidentally addressing this issue on my next post, tomorrow!
    How I found a way to stop criticizing my husband and focus on my own flaws instead and how that made my 20-year-old marriage feel like it was brand new again!

    • Carla, that is great. I hope you share how and what you have done to make your marriage new again. Thanks for your comment.

    • Vaishall, I guess it depends if you are the one giving or receiving. I have run across some critical people and it is not fun being the object of their attention. Thanks for your comment.

  6. It’s so important to address this! It makes me cringe when I see couples do this but I know I’m SO inclined to be critical. I know praying and asking the Holy Spirit to help guard my mind and mouth from criticism.

    • Bailey, I think it is in our DNA to want to criticize others. I have to really watch my mouth too. Thanks for your comment.

  7. Yes! These are all so true! I often have a critical spirit. Some of it comes from insecurities, but I also saw this critical spirit modeled in one of my parents because of their anger in the marriage. It’s so easy to get caught up in a cycle of “how your parents did things” but I have been trying to improve because like you said, we are a team and my husband should be cheered on, not criticized.

    • Kristin, it is amazing when you shower someone with praise instead of criticism. Good for you for working on it. That is the best thing possible.

  8. Super introspective post. I think everyone has every emotion at some time and we should all be self aware.

    • Shanab, yes it good to be self-aware. I think we all have to work on things in our life. It is just a part of our nature.

  9. This post was much needed. THank you so much for this post. I have noticed that I do have a critical spirit at times and it was definitely modeled by my mom within her marriage during my childhood. Something I certainly don’t want to repeat. Praying and working on it for sure.

    • I am so glad you are working on yourself. We all have issues to deal with from time to time. Thanks for your comment.

  10. I think we all do at times so always something to keep working on.

  11. This is a new concept to me and I found it very interesting. I never looked at it quite like this. Sometimes you get so caught up in being right instead of fixing the relationship. You are right, if it isn’t constructive it seems it won’t actually fix a problem.

  12. What a great post. I never experience a bad marriage because I am not but I have seen them fall apart.

  13. Sheena Moncatar Reply

    Oops, I am single and not yet ready to settle down. However, your post got me glued ’till the end. To make a marriage work it actually involves a whole lot of effort from both parties. Lastly, I agree that a critical spirit is the heart’s “negative attitude” that seeks to condemn, tear down, and destroy with words. But I do know that at the end of the day when two parties are willing to compromise, everything is going to be alright.

    • Sheena, I am so thrilled you enjoyed this post. Something to think about if you get married someday. Thanks for your comment!

  14. Thank you for sharing this very informative. Although I’m not yet married I will always remember your points and Yes I agree to all, the Root Cause Of A Critical Spirit especially when pride intervenes.

  15. Elizabeth O Reply

    The points you mentioned here is very true. They can create a cause in the marriage and to run smoothly our marriage life we should avoid these circumstances.

  16. Matija Antonić Reply

    We all know that marriage is never gonna be easy, there will be hard times and fights, but during those times you shouldn’t blame your spouse for things you have done, if you see there is a problem you need to talk it out, communication is key to keeping a marriage last 😀

  17. The success of a marriage is a two-way process. I am blessed to have a husband who is patient and very forgiving. I think it is just because we just respect each other so much.

  18. Monidipa Dutta Reply

    In marriages, stress is a leading cause of interpersonal tension and dysfunctional relationships. … A lot of the stress in marriage is avoidable when both parties are aware of stressful triggers.

  19. Hello,
    I am not married but I found this very interesting. My parents have been almost married for 30 years I can I se from their marriage that marriage is not easy. However marriage can last if two people are willing to fight.

  20. You are so right when you wrote that you can’t change another person. Trying will just make you crazy.

  21. I think there are many concepts here that we need to remember. There are definitely things I will apply in my marriage.

  22. Keshia Richmond Reply

    Tons of people have a critical spirit and this was such an interesting read.

  23. I’ m not married yet but some of my friends had a problem with marriage but they are the strong bond relationship to resolve their problems.

  24. I’ve never even heard of this before so this whole post was a learning experience for me! great job!

  25. Great post, going o book mark this. Sometimes I feel as tho I’m being unfair to my husband, he’s a saint but I completely identify with many of these.

  26. This is something I’m working on in my marriage. We both realized that we were wrong, so we decided to go to marriage counseling. My husband and I are getting much better at not criticizing each other, it’s great.

  27. Marriage is not easy, but the real marriage will resolve the problems!

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