5 Tips for Breaking Generational Cycles in Your Family

Breaking generational cycles in your family is possible and so worth it! If you struggle to get along with difficult family members, I understand.

Like me, you may have shaken your fist at God in anger because you’ve suffered through years of painful interaction with those you love, never quite understanding how to relate appropriately.

Furthermore, you may be confused about how to set boundaries or still be loving. You know you love them, but you don’t know how to get along with them or live with them.

In this post, I will share how to have a healthy family relationship with those you love by breaking generational cycles.  More importantly, how to start unlocking the mystery of family pain and give you real tools to heal your heart.

(Boundaries are important too, but that is another post.)

RELATED: How to Deal with Difficult Family Members and Overcome Hurt

What is the Definition of Healthy Family Relationships?

Healthy family relationships occur when family members feel loved, safe, supported, and encouraged, and can healthily and appropriately resolve conflict where both parties win.

If you have been reading some of my other posts, you may already know I was estranged from my family for seven years. Sadly, my family could not always resolve conflict in a way that was loving or healthy.

RELATED: When Family Members Stop Speaking: 3 Things You Lose

None of us liked how we interacted, but we didn’t know how to do things differently. We didn’t have the right tools to navigate a healthy family relationship.

After many years of conflict, there were too many unresolved hurts, expectations, and bitterness. Over time, it turned into simmering resentments. No one knew why they were angry; they just were. Eventually, it turned into RAGE stemming from unhealthy generational cycles.

The most puzzling piece of this puzzle was that we were all Christians. My family had been in Christian ministry for over 30 years. We knew better. Which goes to show you that being a Christian doesn’t necessarily make you a healthy person. There is a sanctification process.

Perhaps you know what I am talking about. I can’t tell you how many Christians I have talked to who are either barely speaking to their family members, or there is a full-blown estrangement or divorce.

Sadly, many people don’t know what a healthy family relationship even looks like or about breaking generational cycles, Christian or not.

RELATED: How to Move On From Family Estrangement: 5 Ways to Heal Your Heart

Get your FREE CONFLICT RESOLUTION PDF to help you navigate difficult conversations with your spouse (or family members).

Why Healthy Family Relationships Are Important?

Healthy family relationships are essential because they are the foundation of all other relationships. We learn how to build trust in the home first with good modeling. Slowly, we add new relationships outside the home as we age.

If we don’t learn what to do at home first, it is much harder to navigate conflict with others in our adult years. Many times, our dysfunctional coping skills work well in our house but not in the world. Coping skills like whining, pouting, silent treatment, hiding, screaming, revenge, self-pity, unforgiveness, tantrums, etc., backfire as an adult.

Our parents may not have had time to curb that character trait in us, or perhaps they did the same thing, thinking they were a healthy coping mechanism. Whatever the reason, it was a learned behavior repeated from generation to generation.

The bad behavior was part of the family system and deemed “normal” within your home.

Many of us are shocked when we hit the real world and realize that those childhood coping skills (pouting, silent treatment, revenge, unforgiveness, wallowing, lashing out in anger, etc.) no longer work with a spouse, boss, friend, coworker, or another family member.

All of a sudden, your family system has turned on you. It’s as if you found out the grass is green all these years when you thought it was purple. What you thought was normal is unhealthy. Perhaps you are profoundly confused and shocked because you don’t know about breaking generational cycles.

RELATED: How to Set Boundaries with Family Members the Right Way

Breaking Generational Cycles: What You Need to Know

Breaking generation cycles in your family starts with you.  I know, you are the victim here. I thought the same thing. Horrible things have happened, yes, but how do you go from here? Blaming won’t heal you.

Sadly, breaking unhealthy relationship patterns is difficult because you don’t even realize what you are doing is wrong. Instead, you think everyone else is wrong. (While they may be, you can’t change them.)

Perhaps you have found that everyone else needs to agree that the grass is purple. Doing so will restore your balance if you force others to conform to your thinking.

In reality, you have neuropathways that have been entrenched since childhood that tell you the grass is, in fact, purple. You don’t know that the wiring is off.

You are now blindly dysfunctional and are not willing to change your behaviors because you know you are right! Furthermore, you don’t feel like you need to rewire your brain; it’s everyone else.

Here is a sign it is you: many of the relationships around you are breaking down–there is a pattern of brokenness. 

Hear this: If you don’t go back and understand the unhealthy relationship patterns in your family,  the rest of your relationships will probably be difficult (or tragic), and nothing will change.

Change has to start with you. 

To have healthy family relationships, you must learn how to start breaking generational cycles in your life. The goal is to find out where you went off track and then learn how to address conflict healthily.

If you don’t know where to start, search your heart for pride and control. (Or you could join a Regeneration group for real help. Not an affiliate.)

RELATED: Why Does God Allow Suffering? 5 Good Reasons He Allows Pain In Our Lives

Do you have a family rift or break? Check out my book Estranged for real help! Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or at your favorite digital store. 

 5 Tips for Breaking Generational Cycles In Your Family That Are Toxic

1. What happened: Breaking generational cycles requires you to go back to your childhood and deal with painful situations that happened to you. You may even have a feeling of powerlessness come over you when you think about it, but keep thinking.

If you want to find healing, this is where you start. As you think through the situation, you need to write down what happened. Do this in bullet points for each situation. Acknowledge ALL the pain. This is where the blame resides, as other people did, in fact, harm you. Let it out.

2.  Your response: The next column is where the sin lies…It’s how you responded. Be honest. What did you do when this painful situation happened to you? Did you start drinking, gambling, shopping,  bitterness seep in, cutting, raging, self-destructing, controlling everything, committing crimes, etc.? Did you harm others? How? Again, do bullet points. 

Yes, you were hurting, I get it, but hopefully, you have found that your coping mechanism, while effective at the time, did not help in the long run. You’re looking for patterns of sin. Running to anything but Jesus is going to eventually turn on you. Whatever you just listed, that is what you are accountable for. 

3. Amends: Now that you have identified your part in the situation, it is time to make amends. I know, the other party is responsible for 90%. Trust me, take ownership of your 10% or even 1% and apologize.

Make an appointment and go in person, if possible. Sit down in a quiet spot and own your part. Do not explain, blame, or even expect a positive reception, as it may or may not happen. Approach with humility.

The point is to sweep your side of the street and give the rest to God. This is going to be hard, but it is important to do it. It will make a huge difference. If you are estranged, you can write a letter. You may need help from a counselor so that the letter is appropriate.

Please hear this part. Some people are not safe to even write a letter. In this case, you can write a letter to God or just sit down and talk to an empty chair to do the amends. Pray and ask God to show you the safest route.

4.  Forgive: Start forgiving everything that happened to you. It may not have been your fault, but you must still forgive your family members and friends.  If you want healthy family relationships, this is where you start breaking generational cycles. Unforgiveness is the thread that passes toxic behavior from one generation to the next. On the flipside, FORGIVENESS BREAKS STRONGHOLDS. 

5. Patterns: Look for sin patterns that you keep repeating. Here are a few big ones: anger, pride, lust, envy/jealousy, gluttony, greed, power, control, shame, bitterness, hatred, revenge, resentment, unforgiveness,

RELATED: Toxic vs. Difficult People: How to Tell the Difference

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What is True Forgiveness?

If you want healthy family relationships, practice true forgiveness. This means consciously and deliberately releasing another person from an offense. It is unconditional and often undeserved.

God requires us to do it even if we never reconcile.

Forgiveness does not mean that what the other person did is okay. It simply takes the person off your hook and puts him on God’s hook.

It means releasing the other person entirely and wholly to God and not seeking revenge. Even if we have to seek justice for a crime committed, we still forgive.

We break our relationship with God when we don’t forgive because it is a sin. This sin causes us to repeat what was done to us and create a generational curse (Exodus 34:7).

You will actually break the curse when you forgive your family members. Now, don’t freak out. This doesn’t mean you go back into a dysfunctional relationship. Forgiveness is about the offense; reconciliation is about restoring the relationship, which includes boundaries and trust.

Check out my book if you want more help walking through your family’s pain. There is a whole chapter on forgiveness.

This book will give you my story, plus actionable steps to help you get along with difficult family members and heal your wounded heart.

*If you want to reconcile with a family member, I suggest watching this video with Dr. Townsend, author of Boundaries. This video will help with the amends process.

Dr. John Townsend is a New York Times bestselling author, leadership consultant, psychologist, and relationship expert. He has written 35 books, selling 10 million copies, including the bestselling Boundaries series.

Here is part two: Healing Parent and Adult Relationships Part 2

What are your secrets for having healthy family relationships?

Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story and learn about breaking generational cycles.