Why You Need to Reconsider a Family Estrangement

According to Psychology Today, one out of four people have a family estrangement. Being estranged from family can have profound emotional, psychological, and sometimes even a physical impact when it happens.

I know. I had a seven-year family estrangement and did not come out unscathed.

While I know God used it for good, I wish it never happened. When I walked away, I had no idea there would be ramifications down the road.

While I needed the break from my family to heal, over time, I found that being estranged from family wasn’t all it was cracked up to be; it came with a dark side.

It’s not what you think.

Before you walk away, I implore you to reconsider family estrangement. I have walked down this dark road and know the complete picture.

My Family Estrangement

At first, I felt relieved when I left my family. I no longer had to meet every expectation or feel frustrated when I accidentally offended someone…again.

I didn’t have to make an effort for birthdays, negotiate holiday times, or spend extra time in the kitchen cooking for a large group of people. I also didn’t have to deal with family conflict (to which I am allergic.)

There was no more drama.

Peace. And I needed peace desperately.

Family conflict impacted my physical health to the point of a crisis. The doctor had suggested removing part of my colon due to Crohn’s disease and permanently living with an ileostomy (external bag for waste) for the rest of my life.

When I heard this, I panicked. I removed everyone and everything.

I burned every bridge. There was no going back. The consequences were in motion. My children had been taught that we walk away when we can’t figure things out.

I didn’t realize the profound effect that one decision would have down the road. While I needed time to heal, a complete break was hard to recover from after seven years. It happened by God’s grace, but it was not easy. In fact, it was miraculous.

RELATED:How to Deal with Difficult Family Members and Overcome Hurt

Why You Need to Reconsider a Family Estrangement

If you are an adult child considering walking away or already have, you may experience some common side effects from your family estrangement. While you may not experience every one of them, you will certainly feel the effects of some of them:

1. Family Estrangement Causes Emotional Distress:

Family estrangement initially gives relief. Later, depending on the circumstances and the relationship dynamics, sadness, grief, anger, guilt, and eventually shame may set in.

Initially, I needed to heal, and that was good, but leaving my family didn’t give me the peace I thought I would have.

I traded external conflict with my parents for internal conflict. I kept telling myself I was a bad daughter, that God didn’t love me, and that no one would love me if they knew what I had done.

I felt guilty and shameful, even though I had done everything possible to make it work before leaving. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize at the time I needed skills to manage my family dysfunction.

RELATED: How to Overcome Shame and Guilt In Your Marriage

2. Family Estrangement Causes an Identity Crises:

Family estrangement can lead to questions about one’s identity, family roles, and sense of belonging. Parents often hold unique and irreplaceable memories and stories about your early life and family heritage that you can’t find anywhere else. 

When you are estranged from family, you lose connection with your history. You may not feel it is important now, but one day, you may need reinforcement and encouragement to remind you of who you are.

I wish it didn’t take a family estrangement to do this, but being away forced me to run to God. He showed me who I was as His child, which was incredibly helpful. I eventually used God’s truth to return to my family and stopped believing the lies.

RELATED: 7 Powerful Ways to Increase Your War Room Prayer Strategy

Get your FREE “I AM” DECLARATIONS for you and your kids. These words of encouragement (with scripture) will help reinforce your identity in Christ.

3. Family Estrangement Causes Social Isolation:

Family estrangement may result in social isolation from extended family, affecting your support networks. In my rage and panic, I didn’t realize I would abandon a whole group of family when I left.

I had no one to call for help with parenting, encouragement on a bad day, or people with whom to create fun family memories.

I also didn’t realize how hard it would be to miss birthdays, weddings, funerals, and major life events of extended family members with whom I had never had conflicts. But I could not participate in their big moments because I was estranged.

It was like a whole group of people died all at once. There is no way to express my grief over this. I can never redeem the time I lost with extended family whom I hurt because I was absent.

RELATED: Proven Ways to Create Family Memories You Will Treasure

4. Family Estrangement Causes Mental Health Issues:

Family estrangement can contribute to anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges due to unresolved conflicts or loss. I was anxious and depressed before leaving and thought a family estrangement would fix it.

But I brought myself with me.

It wasn’t until I got into counseling and worked on myself that I saw relief. I had to stop blaming others and start owning how I handled conflict. I had to change how I thought and behaved because I finally realized I could not change or control anyone else but myself.

On a side note, the relief from anxiety and depression didn’t come from my earthly relationships; it came from God. I rewired my brain with His truth using scriptures from the Bible. I still do this!

RELATED: Unconventional Ways on How to Hear God’s Voice

5. Family Estrangement Impacts Other Relationships:

Family estrangement can affect how you form and maintain other relationships, as you can develop trust and intimacy issues when you have a history of brokenness.

Oddly, I kept running into the same issues in my marriage, parenting, and friendships as I had with my parents. I couldn’t get away from the fact that I didn’t know how to handle conflict. 

Sooner or later, I had to learn how to forgive, set boundaries, and be honest about my feelings instead of running or “blowing up” when I had had enough.

RELATED: 20 Best Tips For a Successful Marriage [Conflict Resolution Printable]

6. Family Estrangement Can Harm Physical Health:

My health improved when I left my family, so the hiatus benefitted me in the short term. However, the long term was different.

It wasn’t until I reconciled (seven years later) with my parents that I was able to go into complete remission from Crohn’s disease and stop all medications. ( I also used the SCD diet to achieve remission.)

There is something about resolving a family estrangement and having peace within yourself; it is medicine to the bones.

7. Family Estrangement Causes Unhealthy Coping Strategies:

People often develop coping mechanisms to deal with family estrangement, which may not be healthy in the long term. Until you deal with the root issues, you may find yourself eating too much, overdrinking, spending, running to drugs, or some other form of pain relief.

If you want to heal, you must deal with yourself first. It took me a long time to realize this. I didn’t want to do the work because I didn’t think I did anything wrong! Why should I have to change??

Remember this: You can only change yourself, no one else. But when you change yourself, it forces those around you to change.

8. Family Estrangement Stunts Personal Growth:

Family estrangement often stunts personal growth, boundary-setting, and a clearer sense of yourself. Again, I had to go to counseling and deal with my coping strategies.

I identified the hurts in my life, forgave those who hurt me, and gave it over to God. (It took about 16 months in counseling, plus I did a 12-step program called Re:generation. )

I had to discover who I was as a child of God and truly accept His love before I could learn how to love others.

RELATED: How to Stop Self-Pity: 7 Ways to Be a Fearless Christian

9. Family Estrangement Repeats Itself:

The biggest reason I would ask you to reconsider a family estrangement is because it repeats itself.  As a parent, you model running and hiding instead of forgiveness, grace, boundaries, and restoration.

You may think it won’t happen to you, but chances are one of your kids will be tempted to do the same because you set the example of running and blaming others.

This is a risk you take when you are estranged from family. And you won’t know if the gamble is worth it until your kids are older and can make their own decisions. (I gambled and almost lost.)

RELATED: Helpful Tips For Estranged Parents Who Want Their Family Back

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)

Dealing with marriage or family issues? Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or buy Marriage Interruptedor Estranged at your favorite digital store.