How To Fix An Estranged Relationship with Family [Video]

Family estrangement is more common than you think.

Karl Pillemer, a professor of sociology at Cornell University, states that 27% of people live with some family estrangement. Sadly, the percentage of adult children estranged from family makes up a good bit of this statistic, according to Pillemer.

Furthermore, the adult child is usually the one who walks away.

As a Christian, I can tell you that estrangement is just as prevalent in the church as it is for those who don’t practice faith in God.  I know several Christians who have experienced a family estrangement or family rift at some point.

While you may think estrangement is relatively new, it is not. Remember Cain and Abel, Abraham and Hagar, Issac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau,  Jacob and Laban, and Joseph and his brothers?

And that’s just in Genesis. Sadly, they didn’t know how to fix an estranged relationship with family either!

RELATED: 7 Compelling Reasons Not to Lose Faith in God

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)

 Dealing with marriage or family issues? Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or buy Marriage Interrupted or Estranged at your favorite digital store.

How to Fix An Estranged Relationship with Family

If you want to know how to fix an estrangement or heal a family rift, check out this video with Dr. Townsend, the co-author of Boundaries. These powerful tips will teach you what to say to an estranged family member.

1. Communicate with estranged child (or whoever) by text, phone, email, or whatever has worked in the past. Tell him your relationship isn’t where you want it to be. You want to make things right. Ask for a meeting. You want to hear the hurts you caused entirely.

There will be no interruptions, explanations, or defense—only questions to explain the hurt further. You want to hear and understand all the feelings.

2. Before you meet, pray. Ask God to allow you to listen, not react, and explain. Approach your family member in a spirit of humility, love, and honor.

3. At the meeting, write down every offense your family member has against you. Ask for details if needed.

4. Go home. Think and pray about all your family members have shared with you. (This is one of the best steps when learning how to fix a family estrangement.)

5. If agreed upon, meet a second time. This meeting is about making amends where you feel you failed. Specifically, name what you did, own it, and apologize.

Tell how you are going to change and stay changed and what you have already done in the past to change. This is not the time to explain, defend, point fingers, or lose your temper!

6.  Humbly ask for another chance to have a relationship. (This is how to fix an estranged relationship!)

7.  If this request is granted, do your part to change. Keep the boundaries you both set in place. There will be a day for you to explain your part, but it is not now. Once trust is established, you may be able to have a deeper conversation.

Listen to the full interview with Dr. Townsend and Jim Daly (Focus on the Family) on how to fix a broken relationship. The instructions are given in greater detail, in case you have questions. Featured below is part one of a two-part video series. Here is the link to part two on how to fix an estranged relationship with family.

RELATED: How to Set Boundaries with Family Members the Right Way

What Is the Root of Estrangement?

It is hard to say what causes a family estrangement because every estrangement differs. Still, I have found that the causes of family estrangement are rooted in these five behaviors: intimidation, control, fear, confusion, and domination.

Parents may step in and say too much, thinking they are lovingly trying to help, while the adult child feels controlled or manipulated.

Other times, expectations may not be met (holidays), threats may be made, boundaries may be crossed repeatedly, or tempers may be volatile. Maybe addictions are getting in the way too.

These issues must be addressed when deciding how to fix an estrangement:

• Addiction-drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, etc.
• Mental illness- (estrangement is a mental health issue many times.)
• Abuse-mental, spiritual, physical, sexual, emotional
• Economic control-withhold money or help
• Holiday stress-who goes where and when
• Divorce-who talks to whom
• Control-telling adult child what to do, how to act, what to believe, how to think, threats
• People-pleasing-expectations must be met to be in the family, can’t say “no.”
• Sexual choices

Some of these toxic behaviors are so egregious that you may be estranged from family and happy due to the psychological effects it is having on you. Others of you may be feeling God tugging on your heart to reconcile. But you are scared to go back.

Whatever you decide, know there are consequences and rewards in either direction. Truthfully, I had no idea how high of a price I would pay for leaving the family. It has been challenging to undo some of the damage, even though forgiveness has been on both sides.

You may ask, “What does estrangement do to a person?” For me, it brought lots of shame. I have many regrets now, but I didn’t know what else to do then. I felt backed into a corner and didn’t know how to set boundaries.

RELATED: 20 Best Tips For a Successful Marriage [Conflict Resolution Printable]

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)

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Can Estrangement Be Healed?

If you are estranged from your entire family, there is hope. You can learn how to fix an estranged relationship and be healed. My estrangement lasted a very long seven years before God intervened. Our reconciliation is probably one of the best estranged family stories you will ever read.

In 2017, I felt God pressing me to pray and fast. I had prayed for God to move in our relationship for a while, but nothing happened. This time, I felt God tell me to add fasting. I thought it was kinda stupid to starve myself, but I reluctantly obeyed.

As you can see, I wasn’t exactly loaded with faith…

I prayed and fasted on a Monday and Tuesday. Specifically, I asked God to talk to my father in a dream.

I know this doesn’t seem real, but after seven years estranged from parents, my father called that Friday. Three days later.

He called because God talked to him in a dream.

In addition, months later, I found out that my sister had been fasting and praying at the same time as me. She had no idea I was doing this, too.

I believe prayer and fasting broke the stronghold. (This is how to fix an estranged relationship!) I highly recommend this practice for achieving breakthroughs in your life, too.

“Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).

RELATED: Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart for the whole story.

How Do You Overcome Estrangement?

So, how do you move on from family estrangement after learning how to fix an estranged relationship? Reconnecting with family after years isn’t easy, even if you’ve learned how to fix a family estrangement.

First, continue to grow and change even if your family member chooses not to. Chances are you need some healing. Practice forgiving, setting boundaries, telling yourself the truth, identifying people-pleasing behavior, and removing unhealthy coping mechanisms (addictions) in your daily life. (shopping too much, binging on TV, electronics, or food count!)

If you are stuck, counseling is how to fix an estranged relationship with your family. Family estrangement’s psychological effects are real. There is a natural grieving process when a relationship(s) dies.

Second, forgive. God commands us to forgive no matter what has happened. This doesn’t mean we ignore grievances. It just means we let go of our right to retaliate. Forgiveness is about letting go of the offense; reconciliation is about restoring the relationship.

Third, trust God with the timing. Your family break may be long and hard. Many people give into despair, anger at God, and revenge. It doesn’t help. Keep your focus on God and his goodness. Trust that he is working even though you can’t see it.

In conclusion, repairing an estranged relationship is never easy but worth it. It requires effort, communication, understanding, and the willingness to forgive.

It can be a long and winding journey, but with the right mindset, you can heal. With lots of prayer (and fasting), rebuilding a healthy, functioning relationship is possible.

It may take years, but it is worth it. You only need patience, commitment, and the courage to start anew. So, take the first step today and begin rebuilding yourself and trusting God with the rest.

This is how to fix an estrangement.

RELATED:  How to Deal with Difficult Family Members and Overcome Hurt

Are you estranged from family? Did these tips help you learn how to fix an estranged relationship? Comment below. 

(Check out podcasts featuring Julie’s story.)