How To Fix An Estranged Relationship with Family and Mend Your Heart

Family estrangement is more common than you think.

Karl Pillemer, a professor of sociology at Cornell University, states that 27% of people live with some kind of family estrangement. Sadly, the percentage of adult children estranged from family makes up a good bit of this statistic, according to Pillemer.

Furthermore, the adult child is usually the one who walks away.

As a Christian, I can tell you that estrangement is just as prevalent in the church as it is for those who don’t practice faith in God.  I know a number of Christians who have experienced a family estrangement or family rift at some point in their lives.

While you may think estrangement is fairly new, it is not. Remember Cain and Abel, Abraham and Hagar, Issac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau,  Jacob and Laban, and Joseph and his brothers?

And that’s just in Genesis. Sadly, they didn’t know how to fix an estranged relationship either!

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How to Fix An Estranged Relationship with Family

If you want to know how to heal a family rift or an estrangement, check out this video with Dr. Townsend, the co-author of Boundaries. These powerful tips will teach you how to reconnect with family after years of separation.

1.  Communicate with estranged child (or whoever) by text, phone, email, or whatever has worked in the past. Tell him you know your relationship isn’t where you want it to be. You want to make things right. Ask for a meeting. You want to fully hear the hurts you caused. There will be no interruptions, explanations, or defense. Only questions to further explain the hurt. You want to hear and understand all the feelings.
2. Before you meet, pray. Ask God to give you the grace to listen, not react, or explain. When approaching your family member, do it in a spirit of humility, love, and honor.
3. At the meeting, write down every offense your family member has against you. Ask for details, if needed.
4. Go home. Think and pray about all your family member has shared with you.
5. If agreed upon, meet a second time. This meeting is about making amends where you feel you failed. Specifically, name what you did. Own it and apologize. Tell how you are going to change and stay changed. And what you have already done in the past to change. This is not the time to explain, defend, or point fingers. Or lose your temper!
6. Ask for another chance to have a relationship.
7. If this request is granted, do your part to change. Keep the boundaries you both set in place. There will be a day for you to explain your part, but it is not now. Once trust is established, you may be able to have a deeper conversation.

Listen to the full interview with Dr. Townsend and Jim Daly (Focus on the Family) on how to fix a broken relationship. The instructions are given in greater detail, in case you have questions  Featured below is part one in a two-part video series. Here is the link to part two on how to fix an estranged relationship.

What Is the Root of Estrangement?

Every estrangement is different. I have found most families genuinely love each other and want to do the right thing, they just don’t know how.

And that is where the wires get crossed.

Parents may step in and say too much thinking they are lovingly trying to help, while the adult child feels controlled or manipulated.

Other times, it may be expectations aren’t met (holidays), boundaries are crossed over and over, or tempers are volatile. Maybe there are even addictions getting in the way. A lot can go wrong on either side when we are not submitting to the Holy Spirit in all areas of our lives.

Check out this list of things that both the adult child and/or the parents may be doing to ruin the relationship:

• Addiction-drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, etc.
• Mental illness
• Abuse-mental, spiritual, physical, sexual, emotional
• Economic control-withhold money or help
• Holiday stress-who goes where and when
• Divorce-who talks to whom
• Control-telling adult child what to do, how to act, what to believe, how to think, threats
• People pleasing-expectations must be met to be in the family, can’t say “no”
• Sexual choices

Some of these behaviors are so egregious that you may be estranged from family and happy due to the psychological effects it is having on you. Others of you may be feeling God tugging on your heart to reconcile. But you are scared to go back.

Whatever you decided, know that there are consequences and rewards in either direction. Truthfully, I had no idea how high of a price I would pay for leaving the family. It has not been easy to undo some of the damage even though there has been forgiveness on both sides.

I have many regrets now, but at the time, I didn’t know what else to do. I felt backed into a corner.

RELATED: 5 Reasons to Forgive Those Who Hurt You (Even If They Don’t Deserve It)

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How Long Does It Take to Get Over an Estrangement?

If you are estranged from your entire family, there is hope. My estrangement lasted a very long seven years before God intervened. Our reconciliation is probably one of the best estranged family stories you will ever read.

In 2017, I felt God pressing me to pray and fast. I had been praying for a while for God to move in our relationship, but nothing happened. This time, I felt God tell me to add fasting. I thought it was kinda stupid to starve myself, but I reluctantly obeyed.

As you can see, I wasn’t exactly loaded with faith…

I prayed and fasted on a Monday and Tuesday. Specifically, I asked God to talk to my father in a dream.

I know this doesn’t seem real, but after seven years estranged from parents, my father called that Friday. Three days later.

He called because God talked to him in a dream.

On top of that, I found out months later that my sister had been fasting and praying at the exact same time as me. She had no idea I was doing this too.

I believe prayer and fasting are what broke the stronghold. (This is how to fix an estranged relationship!) I highly recommend this practice to get breakthroughs in your life too.

“Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).

RELATED: Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart for the full story.

How to Move On From Family Estrangement

So how do you move on from family estrangement?

First, continue to grow and change even if your family member chooses not to. Chances are you need some healing. Practice forgiving, setting boundaries, telling yourself the truth, identifying people-pleasing behavior, and removing unhealthy coping mechanisms (addictions) in your daily life. (shopping too much, binging on Tv, electronics, or food count!)

Counseling may help you deal with your issues. And your big emotions. Family estrangement’s psychological effects are real. There is a real grieving process when a relationship(s) dies.

Second, forgive. God commands us to forgive no matter what has happened. This doesn’t mean we ignore grievances. It just means we let go of our right to retaliate. Forgiveness is about letting go of the offense; reconciliation is about restoring the relationship.

Third, trust God with the timing. Your family break may be long and hard. Many people give into despair, anger at God, and revenge. It doesn’t help. Keep your focus on God and his goodness. Trust that he is working even though you can’t see it.

In conclusion, the road to repairing an estranged relationship is never easy, but it is worth it. It requires effort, communication, understanding, and the willingness to forgive.

It can be a long and winding journey, but with the right mindset, you can finish the journey together. With lots of prayer (and fasting), it is possible to rebuild a healthy, functioning relationship again.

It may take years, but it is worth it. All you need is patience, commitment, and the courage to start anew. So, take the first step today and begin the journey of rebuilding yourself and trusting God with the rest.

RELATED:  Accepting Family Estrangement: 7 Tips When Feeling Alone at the Holidays

Are you estranged from family? Have you prayed and fasted? Have you asked God to break a stronghold in your family, even in you?