Estranged From Family: 9 Behaviors That May Be Ruining Your Relationship

I was estranged from family for seven years.

There.

I said it.

So much shame and embarrassment came from those few words that I could hardly talk about it for a long time.

What is even more embarrassing is that my parents were in full-time Christian ministry.

Go figure.

I felt like a real loser as a daughter and a Christian.

In fact, I thought God hated me when I walked away from my family.

How does a family, who worked in ministry for thirty years, break apart at the seams? From the outside, it seemed like we had it all together, but truthfully, we had our problems.

Obviously.

Some of you may not be estranged from family, but there is a deep family rift.

Whatever has happened, there is hope. Because of God’s grace, you can move forward and get healing whether you reconcile or not.

And, by the way, God doesn’t hate you for walking away. He can use anything for his glory.

*LISTEN TO MY STORY ON: CONFESSIONS OF A CRAPPY CHRISTIAN

Table of Contents

What Does Estranged From Family Mean?

If you are estranged from family, then you understand all too well what this means. It means you don’t talk.

At all.

And there is probably no communication going to your kids either. That one issue seems to vacillate between estranged families. Sometimes the grandkids are left out of the estrangement, sometimes they are not.

In my case, our estranged relationship meant ” no contact” with anyone, including the kids.

No gifts, no cards, and no phone calls.

Nada. Nothing.

We just couldn’t figure out how to let our kids see my parents without us being involved. Our kids were young at the time, and it would have been awkward.

Get your FREE “DO NOT FEAR” SCRIPTURE CARDS PDF to help you believe the truth about God.

How Common Is Family Estrangement?

Family estrangement is more common than you think.

Karl Pillemer, a professor of sociology at Cornell University, states that 27% of people live with some kind of family estrangement. Sadly, the percentage of adults estranged from family makes up a good bit of this statistic, according to Pillemer.

And the adult child is the one who usually walks away.

As a Christian, I can tell you that estrangement is just as prevalent in the church as it is for those who don’t practice faith in God. Personally, I know a number of Christians who have experienced a family estrangement or family rift at some point in their lives.

Before you go pointing fingers and getting into a tizzy, check out the Bible. Estrangement has been going on since the beginning of time. Here are a few dysfunctional families that God used despite themselves: Cain and Abel, Abraham and Hagar, Issac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau, Jacob and Laban, Joseph and his brothers…

And that’s just in Genesis.

Miraculously, God still loved these people. That doesn’t mean there weren’t consequences because there were, but God redeemed their situation for His glory.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you” (Joel 2:25).

Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or at your favorite digital store.

What Causes Family Estrangement?

Every estrangement from family is a little bit different. I have found that most families genuinely love each other, they just don’t know how to do it in a healthy way.

And that is where the wires get crossed. What does love look like to the adult child as opposed to the parent’s idea of love?

The parent may step in and say too much thinking they are lovingly trying to help, but it comes across as controlling or manipulative.

Other times, it may be that expectations aren’t met, boundaries are crossed, or tempers are too volatile. maybe there are even addictions getting in the way. A lot can go wrong on either side when we are not submitting to the Holy Spirit in all areas of our lives.

Check out this list of things that both the adult child or the parents may be doing to ruin the relationship:

Addiction-drugs, alcohol, porn, etc.
Mental illness
Abuse-mental, spiritual, physical, sexual, emotional
Economic control-withhold money or help
Holiday stress-who goes where and when
Divorce-who talks to whom
Control-telling adult child what to do, how to act, what to believe, how to think, threats
People pleasing-expectations must be met to be in the family, can’t say “no”
Sexual choices

Some of these behaviors are so egregious that you may be estranged from family and happy due to the psychological effects it was having on you. I get that. Others of you may be feeling God tug on your heart to reconcile.

Does Estrangement Ever End?

If you are estranged from entire family, there is hope. My estrangement lasted a very long seven years before God intervened. Our reconciliation is probably one of the best estranged family stories you will ever read.

In 2017, I felt God pressing me to pray and fast. I had been praying for a while for God to move in our relationship, but nothing happened. This time, I felt God tell me to add fasting. I thought it was kinda stupid to starve myself, but I reluctantly obeyed.

It’s amazing God didn’t just strike me dead right there for calling fasting “stupid.”

As you can see, I wasn’t exactly loaded with faith…God still loved me though.

I prayed and fasted on a Monday and Tuesday. Specifically, I asked God to talk to my father in a dream.

I know this doesn’t seem real, but after seven years estranged from parents, my father called that Friday. Three days later.

He called because God talked to him in a dream.

On top of that, I found out months later that my sister had been fasting and praying at the exact same time as me. She had no idea I was doing this too.

I believe prayer and fasting broke the stronghold.

So, yes, there is hope if you are estranged from family.

“Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast him out? However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:19,21).

RELATED: Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart for the full story.

How to Move On From Family Estrangement?

So how do you move on from family estrangement? Fasting and praying was the first thing that broke the estrangement with my parents. It was the first step in a long journey. God works slowly when it comes to reconciliation. It takes time to build trust and work through the problems that got you there in the first place.

Not everyone will have the same results as I did; it may be that fasting and prayer only break something in your life that needs to be broken. Your family member may not be moved right now. It is important to trust God as you move on from family estrangement.

You are also dealing with free will. The only thing you can control is what you do. And obey God when he prompts you to act.

In the meantime, I suggest counseling where you can learn to set boundaries and understand what a healthy relationship looks like. When you are no longer estranged from family, you will have a better idea of how to handle conflict when it arises.

Believe me, some things won’t be changed when you go back. It’s a process.

Pin it for later!

What Does God Say About Forgiveness?

We expect God to forgive us for our sins against Him, but He, in turn, asks us to forgive each other in the same way. I realize you may have good reason to walk away, but you can still let go and forgive those who hurt you.

If you look at the story of the wicked servant in Matthew 18. He was forgiven a large debt by his master but was unwilling to forgive the much smaller debt of a fellow servant.

When the master heard of his actions, the wicked servant was put in jail. In the same way, God expects us to forgive the smaller debts since He has already forgiven us for such a large debt—our sin.

If you are in the middle of a family estrangement or rift, I encourage you to pray for God to change hearts, even yours. Perhaps even fast and pray for reconciliation with your estranged parents.

You might even have an estranged relationship meeting and try to talk through the issues. If there is a way to move back into your family and set boundaries, that is the better choice. Ask for God’s perfect will in your situation.

I understand it may not be safe, and that is okay. Sometimes you have to love from afar. No matter what, you can forgive.

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not for- give others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” Matthew 6:14-15.

Are you estranged from family? Have you prayed and fasted? Have you asked God to break a stronghold in your family, even in you?

5 thoughts on “Estranged From Family: 9 Behaviors That May Be Ruining Your Relationship”

Maree Dee
January 19, 2022 at 7:12 pm

What a great article. Thank you for being brave and sharing. Maree
Cindra Enloe
January 18, 2022 at 8:06 pm

What great evidence of God’s redeeming power! Thanks so much for sharing.
Ayesha Ayub
October 17, 2021 at 1:52 pm

Ahhh what a heart felt of your estrangement and than getting back to your parents. Sometime it became a need of time to move away from your relations so that you both can understand and sort out what’s going on and how to deal with it and solve the problem from its root cause
1. Anonymous
  October 23, 2021 at 5:55 am
  
  My daughter estranged herself from me seven years ago.. It has been so painful physically and mentally.. She has my only grandchildren and I have not been able to see them or know anything about them.. Now my granddaughter can drive a car so she has been to see me along with her younger brother.. I want to start an estrangement support group in my church.. I know so many that are suffering from being estranged from their children and grandchildren… I pray about it and have tried to reach out to her and her husband… I am 84 years old and this has been so difficult.. Sleep eludes me.. I think about it too much.. I am very depressed and so sad.
2. J Plagens
  December 27, 2021 at 10:21 am
  
  Yes, the best thing we did was stop and heal. It was painful walking away but the wounds were so deep that we needed professional help to recover. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep. Also, flashbacks. It took a while for that to stop. Most of all, to forgive. Thanks for your comment.