Got Stuck? How to Agree on Faith as a Married Couple

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Are you and your spouse stuck? Do you both agree on faith when raising kids? What you and your spouse think and believe about God will directly impact how you raise your kids and their outcome.

Unfortunately, many people don’t take the time to figure this out until it is too late. And then they spend most of their married life arguing about how to approach the “God” subject.

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Husband and wife walking on a bridge together. Got Stuck? How to Agree on Faith as a Married Couple

In this post, I am going to talk about the four ways we see God, how it affected you growing up, and how it will affect your kids. I will also give you some talking points to help you agree on faith. 

RELATED: The Best Marriage Advice for Struggling Couples

Four Ways We See God

l believe there are at least four ways we see God: a bellhop, mean old man, non-existent, or as Lord.

1. The first way we see God is like a bellhop who gives us what we want.

You put your order in and presto! It is supposed to appear for you. If you don’t get it, you just didn’t have enough faith.

Perhaps you have been told that if you believe in God, all of your problems will go away, and you will get whatever you want. The old “name it and claim it” mentality.

Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart book.

 Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or at your favorite digital store. 

In fact, you may not even believe in God, but this is your worldview in general. It is all about accumulating stuff. Hoping one day it will make you happy if you just get…

If you carry this belief system into your family, you could see your kids treating you the same way. Perhaps more as an ATM than a person.

Over time, your family will be more concerned about superficial things than relationships.

One day you will wake up realizing you are surrounded by all your toys, but you have not invested in the people around you. Your relationships will be shallow and superficial.

Your family legacy will be more about things than people. And your kids will be sad you weren’t there for them when they needed you the most.

RELATED: The Best Way to Raise a Smart Child Who Is Wise

2. The second way to approach God is to see Him like a mean old man who doesn’t care about you.

Perhaps you think God is cruel.

You picture Him with a white beard and a lightning bolt in His hand (like Zeus) waiting to zap you. You think he’s angry all the time and a real killjoy.

This can translate into severe parenting. Your family is more about rules instead of a relationship. More law than grace. You rule with threats and fear.

Many times kids end up hating their parents when this parenting style rules the home. They can’t wait to leave when they turn 18. There is no love to draw them back.

Your family legacy will be one of broken relationships, unforgiveness, and maybe even an estrangement.

RELATED: 7 Life-Changing Steps to Help You Stop Yelling at Your Kids

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Baby ducks following a mama duck. Got Stuck? How to Agree on Faith as a Married Couple

3. Third, some of you don’t approach God at all because you think He is disengaged or non-existent.

You are angry about things that have happened to you or the ones you love. Perhaps you are convinced a loving God could never be a part of this world. You do not understand real love means allowing free will. And that is why you can’t agree on faith.

This translates into a family with no direction.

It’s more about following your own set of rules. Eventually, your family becomes a moral vacuum. Your child has no moral compass so he does what feels good to him at the time.

Kids are too young to create a moral code that is even remotely sustainable long term. They do not have the wisdom of living to see where certain choices end up years down the road.

Your family legacy will be one of heartache. You will wonder what happened, and where you went wrong because your child is in one mess after another. Without values, your child has nothing to stop him from making his life and yours a living hell.

RELATED: 9 Best Character Qualities Your Child Needs at School

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4. And lastly, the only real way to approach God is as Savior and Lord.

Coming to this point is not easy.

Usually, we try everything else before we humble ourselves before Him and give up striving. It doesn’t feel natural to put our hands down.

Yet, this is what he asks. He wants us to give our life over to Him so He can transform us into His image.

This translates into healthy parenting. It’s about lovingly instilling biblical morals and values in your children to create a home with God in the center. This philosophy creates a deep relationship between family members, forgiveness, and an overall feeling of security.

This doesn’t mean kids don’t rebel, sometimes they still do. But parents, who stay the course and love their kids through it, find many times the child comes back. It is the love of God that draws them back.

Once your child has a taste of the real thing, the counterfeit doesn’t satisfy.

Your family legacy will be one of good relationships built on something greater than you. You may not always agree on faith, but forgiveness flows freely through your family system. There is more grace than law.

RELATED: Teacher Secrets to Help Get to Your Child’s Heart

How to Agree on Faith When Raising Kids

So how do you and your spouse agree on faith? Here are some talking points:

  1. Start a conversation with your spouse about how you were raised and the long term effects it had on your family of origin. You may have a hybrid of several ones going on at the same time.
  2. Talk about what worked in your family of origin and what didn’t.
  3. Decide together what you want your family to look like. You can even create a mission statement to help you stay on track. This will help you agree on faith.
  4. Have regular check-ups (conversations) about the direction of your family. It is easy to get off course when you get busy. Warning: things slip in slowly over time.
  5. When you see you are off course–stop, evaluate, and re-direct your family. You may even need to adjust your mission statement over time to fit your growth in faith.

RELATED: How to Pray With Power in Your War Room

Passing Down a Legacy of Faith

My utmost desire is that you choose God as Lord of your life. It is important to pass down a legacy of faith in God to your kids.

It is the only parenting style that is sustainable long term. When your family is centered on God, it is rooted in love and relationship. And love never fails.

Dr. Dobson gives some great wisdom on how to pass down your faith. You can see the loving relationship between him and Ryan. Ryan wasn’t perfect, but he circled back because of love.

Do you think God is more of a bellhop, a mean old man, doesn’t exist, or Lord? Has your philosophy spilled over into your family and parenting style? Is it working? Do you need to re-adjust?

How do you and your husband agree on faith?


Got Family Problems? There is Help and Hope!

Are you experiencing family problems or even estranged? Are you feeling shame, anger, or rejection? Check out my book Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart on Amazon or at your favorite digital store. 

This book not only talks about my seven-year estrangement from my Christian family, but it also gives solid tips to help you with your own family problems. Break free from your pain. Allow God to heal you no matter what has happened in your family of origin. There is hope when your family falls apart.

Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart book with a single tree on the book

Creating Family Memories Book

Get Creating Family Memories. This book will help you manage your family in a way that allows more time to be intentional with your kids.  It includes a schedule too. You can get it at your favorite bookstore.

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Join Christian Family Living Facebook Group

Continue the conversation on Facebook and join the group Christian Family Living. This is a place for Christian women to share their experiences and get helpful tools to navigate the Christian life. We love to laugh, cry, and encourage each other to live out our faith one day at a time.

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Julie Plagens


  1. Erin @ on April 15, 2019 at 9:36 am

    You are so right! Being on the same page about how to raise children in the faith is so important!

  2. Tara @sewmanypins on November 16, 2018 at 11:21 pm

    Oh I have been struggling with this. Thank you for the reminder of how to approach God.

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:14 am

      I hope this will truly help you. Thanks for reading.

  3. Simone V on November 16, 2018 at 8:59 am

    I used to think of God as Someone who was just waaaay too busy for me and my issues. But getting to know and understand how me cares for me and loves me intimately has also helped me show our children the type of God He really is.

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:14 am

      I am so glad you are able to pass down a legacy of faith. Thanks for reading.

  4. Lauren on November 15, 2018 at 10:45 pm

    So very important! Thank you for sharing this beautiful article! I am still continually working on leaning not on my own understanding and I love the reminder here that we must approach God together!

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:15 am

      This is truly something that parents need to be on the same page with each other. So glad you and your spouse are doing this.

  5. Shannon on November 15, 2018 at 10:45 am

    This is a wonderful message and on a topic that can be hard to approach with children. Our children learn so much from watching and listening to us, we have to be a guide for them. Thanks for sharing!

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:16 am

      Yes, what we do sure speaks a whole lot louder than what we say at times.

  6. Lauren on November 13, 2018 at 8:30 pm

    Thank you for this! Children learn so much by observation, and their attitude about God will first be formed by our attitude. Such a weighty thought!

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:16 am

      It is a deep topic. I am so glad you are thinking about this.

  7. Diane@worthbeyondrubies on November 13, 2018 at 9:44 am

    I love this so much! It is a topic I don’t see too much about unfortunately, so I really appreciate you writing about it!

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:17 am

      Thanks. It is a hard topic to discuss. Faith is hard when you are parents because you don’t always believe the same thing.

  8. candy on November 13, 2018 at 8:16 am

    Wonderful you are writing about this. Parents have to set the example always for our children and their future grandchildren.

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:18 am

      So true. We are role models whether we like it or not. Minus well do it right.

  9. MIchelle on November 13, 2018 at 6:57 am

    Definitely a topic that spouses should consider just as important as intimacy and money. Those are issues that can make or break a marriage – or make for an amazing one! So glad that you touched up on this important subject.

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:19 am

      Yes, children and how you raise them seems to be a big issue in marriage. Hope this is good food for thought.

  10. Laura @ Relationship Helpers on November 12, 2018 at 9:28 am

    You offer some great challenges today! Thanks for writing about such an important topic. Our children need us to go to the Lord searching for His guidance as we teach them. And it starts with turning over our failings to Him so that He can work through our brokenness.

    • Julie Plagens on November 21, 2018 at 3:20 am

      You are so right. It is hard for young parents to know this. Thanks for your comments.

  11. Yaa Attobrah on November 11, 2018 at 7:54 pm

    You are right. We cant expect things from our children that we ourselves are not living out. Thank you. Powerful message

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