9 Tips on How to Repair a Family Rift

Encourage open and honest dialogue. Suggest that both parties share their feelings and perspectives without judgment. It’s crucial to create a safe space for these conversations.

Yelling, name-calling, threats, or blaming are not appropriate. Stay with “I feel” statements, not “you” statements.

Remember, you can only control your side. Release your adult child from saying or feeling what you want to hear. Be aware, this is probably going to be painful.

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2. Active Listening:

Listen to understand rather than to respond. Both parties should feel heard and validated. When you meet, I suggest taking notes so you can reflect on what your family member is saying.

If you want to know how to repair a family rift, focus on listening. The goal is healing. This is not the time to defend. Keep your mouth closed.

3. Empathy and Understanding:

Have empathy and love for your family members. Understanding each other’s experiences, emotions, and perspectives can bridge generational gaps.

One of the biggest issues in family estrangement is the clash of expectations between generations. The younger generation may feel entitled to free babysitting, and the older generation may expect you to figure it out.

The older generation may feel you should attend family gatherings and cook, while the younger generation may feel they can’t do much because they have two jobs and don’t cook.

Whatever you expect, put it down and talk. You need to be flexible and realize that life is different now. You are going to have to make adjustments. Your adult child is not you, nor will they handle things the way you did when you were their age.

This is one of the best tips I can give when learning how to repair a family rift.

4. Set Boundaries:

Recognize the importance of setting healthy boundaries. Do not force your rules on others; instead, express with kindness what you are willing and unwilling to do at this time.

When boundaries are set, you may not talk as often with this family member, but this is better than leaving the family. Slowly find other means if you rely on a family member for physical or financial help.

Revenge can easily get in the way when setting boundaries, so beware. You are not punishing the other person.

You are putting a picket fence (not a brick wall) around yourself, not creating rules for others.  This is about you, only. This is one of the biggest mistakes people make when learning how to repair a family rift.

RELATED: How to Set Boundaries with Family Members the Right Way

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5. Address Past Conflicts:

Address and resolve past conflicts and grievances. Holding on to past hurts can perpetuate a family estrangement. I have found that forgiveness is always the best policy, no matter what has happened.

Yes, no matter what has happened. No exceptions. 

Forgiveness is different than trust and reconciliation. Forgiveness is about the offense, while trust and reconciliation are about establishing a healthy relationship.

Forgiveness is never earned; it is given by grace alone. We do it because God commands it for our benefit (Matt. 6:14, Col. 3:13, Eph. 4:32, Mk. 11:25, Lk. 6:37). This is the most powerful advice I can give when learning how to repair a family rift.

RELATED: Supercharge Your Life When You Forgive Those Who Hurt You

Do you want to know how to repair a family rift or break? Check out my book, Estranged, for real help! Purchase your ebook or paperback on Amazon or at your favorite digital store. 

6. Mutual Effort:

Emphasize that maintaining a relationship requires effort from both parties. However, be willing to compromise and work towards reconciliation.

This means you may need to make new traditions, celebrate holidays on a different day, find your own childcare, or stop enabling or controlling. By the way, control seems to be one of the biggest issues adult children have with their parents. 

If you want to really know how to repair a family rift, I would suggest taking inventory of all the ways you have been trying to manipulate or control the other person.

7. Take Responsibility:

Take responsibility for your actions, even if it’s only 10% of the problem. While it would be nice, you can’t make the other person take responsibility for their actions. That is God’s business, not yours.

Most of the time, the reconciliation of others’ actions develops gradually as God works on their hearts (and yours).

Biblically, apologizing is one of the best ways to approach the situation when learning how to repair a family rift and can be a powerful step toward healing.

RELATED: Helpful Tips For Estranged Parents Who Want Their Family Back

8. Patience and Time Combined with Prayer:

Rebuilding a relationship requires time and patience. Be patient with the process and with each other. Take small steps toward reconciliation, allowing both parties to adjust and gradually rebuild trust.

I was away from my family for 7 years. I would say it took about another 5 years to rebuild trust on both sides. During that time away, all family members prayed. (Yes, we were all Christians.)

Keep praying! God is still at work, even though it sometimes feels like you’re talking to the ceiling. However, God is listening.

RELATED: 25 Ways to Have a More Powerful Prayer Life

9. Seek Professional Help:

If you can not resolve your family problems, suggest family therapy, mediation, or go to counseling on your own. A neutral third party can facilitate productive conversations and help you navigate complex emotions and issues.

If your family member does not want to talk about it, respect their boundary. This is hard, but you need to respect their wishes and leave them alone.

When you do interact, be loving and kind, not snippy.